You People Are Joking, Right?
by Night Rain Illusion
Summary: Mishaps with fanfiction. Contains screaming, Mary Sues, out of character Envy, slamming doors, strange dreams, more screaming, invisible fourth walls, toaster chimeras, a plot involving time travel from another dimension, innuendo, even more screaming...
1. Pairings and YaoiYuri

Summary: Some cast members of FMA take a peek at "pairing" fanfictions. These are their reactions to most of them.

I don't own FMA. And sadly, I probably never will.

**"Pairing" and Yaoi/Yuri Fanfiction**

Edward Elric sat back from his computer screen, mouth agape. He couldn't believe all the stuff he had just read. How could there be people out there who thought of him that way? What did he ever do to deserve a fate such as this? Was God testing him? If he was, this was some sick test.

"You people are joking, right??" he asked the computer screen in confusion.

Alphonse, his younger brother, looked over Ed's shoulder to see what he had been reading. "What's the matter Brother?" Al asked.

Ed couldn't even look at his brother. There had been stuff about him too, and it wouldn't seem right to fill his head with this stuff.

"It's nothing Al. Nothing for you to get worried over." Ed said quickly as he was about to log out of the website he was on. Alphonse saw this as he managed to place a hand over the mouse before Ed could get to it first.

"Let me see what's got you so worked up." Al said as he started trying to push his brother out of the way so that he could get a better look at what Ed was looking at.

"No Al, you shouldn't read it!" Ed said as he started trying to wrestle the mouse out of Al's hand. Al tugged it back from him. "Come on, what could be so horrible that you don't want me looking at?"

"Fine Al. But don't say I didn't warn you." Ed said as he stood up from the computer screen and backed away from Al. Al took Ed's spot and started reading what Ed had been reading. He watched his younger brother's eyes go from side to side reading, clicking on a few things, a couple times Al put a hand to his mouth or let out gasps. After he was done looking, he turned back to face Ed.

"Brother...what is this?" Al asked.

Ed sighed. "I warned you not to read it Al."

"But Brother...some of this is just sick! How could there be people out there who come up with this stuff?" Al asked furiously.

"Hey, how should I know where people get ideas like that?" Ed asked as he threw his hands up in the air.

"But where is the equivalency in writing these? I can't find any..." Al started to say, but was then interrupted by Ed.

"Screw equivalent exchange! This defies all logic and laws known to man!"

They both remained silent for a moment, before Al said, "Ed... You actually don't feel that way...about the Colonel, right?"

Ed nearly jumped him. "You mean that smug bastard? Of course I don't feel that way. It's lies, all of it!" Ed said as he pounded his fist onto the table in anger.

"Including the stories about...you and me?"

"Well duh, your my little brother, that's just sick to think of you any more than that." Ed said pointedly.

"And Envy?"

Ed steamed. "ESPECIALLY NOT THAT FREAKIN PALM TREE!! I HATE HIS FRICKEN GUTS! WHY WOULD I EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT AN ABOMINATION SUCH AS HIM???" Ed said loudly.

Al scanned the web page again. "Hey, there are a few things here about Winry..."

Ed immediately pushed his brother out of the way. "What kind of stuff are they saying about Winry?"

"Nothing really bad actually. Most of the stuff here is about either you and Winry or me and Winry." Al pointed at a part of the screen. Ed stared for a moment before turning away.

"Our relationship together isn't like _that_." he whispered. Al was still scanning the website, clicking on a few things.

"There's also a few about Winry and Roy being together." Al said as quietly as possible.

"WINRY WOULDN'T CHEAT ON ME WITH THAT DAMN BASTARD!" Ed exploded.

"I thought you said your relationship together wasn't like that?" Al asked.

"I take back everything I said. There's no way in hell that the two of them would end up together." Ed huffed.

Al said nothing for a moment, before he then said slyly, "So you do like her like that!"

"Shut up Al.", Ed said as he turned to stare at the back wall. Al scrolled down the page before starting to laugh.

"What's so funny Al?"

"There's also a couple of things here about you or me or Envy or Roy having a relationship with someone completely made up." Al said. Ed came back over to read over his shoulder. After a little while, he straightened up and said, "Only some of those stories make since."

"I also found a Roy and Envy together one."

"No way, let me look." Ed said as he pushed Al out of the way. They read for a moment before bursting out in laughter and rolling on the floor.

"That is just too hilarious! I can almost see it in my mind's right eye. Colonel Bastard waiting for Palm Tree to walk down the aisle towards him on their wedding day." Ed said as he hugged his ribs in laughter.

"There are also a few Riza Hawkeye and Mustang stories too."

"Yeah well, that was bound to happen anyway." Ed said dismissively.

"WHAT IS THE RACKET IN HERE??" Roy asked as he barged through the doors. Ed and Al immediately covered the computer screen. "Nothing." they chorused. Mustang pushed them out of the way to read the web page.

"What the hell is this? Is this your doing Full Metal?" Mustang asked as he turned on Ed.

"Hey, I had nothing to do with it. It's just a bunch of crazy fans out there." Ed said defensively. Mustang immediately left to the door. He then turned and snapped his fingers, setting the computer on fire.

"Hey! My AOL Instant Messenger was on that!" Ed said furiously. "And my Minesweeper!"

"If I ever catch the two of you on that site again, I will make sure it's you who bursts into flame and not the computer." Mustang said menacingly as he stormed out of the office. The minute they were sure that he had left, Ed fixed the computer using alchemy.

"Let's read that story again about Mustang and Envy." Ed sneakily grinned as he logged into the Internet.

* * *

Back in Mustang's office, he went to his computer and found the exact it site Ed and Al had been on. After a silent moment, he found what he had been looking for. He picked up his telephone and made a few calls. After a few minutes, Breda, Havoc, Fury, Falman, Scheska, Armstrong, Hughes, and Hawkeye entered his office.

"You called for us sir?" Hawkeye asked.

"I need you all to look at this for a second." Roy said. They all went around him to look at the computer screen for a moment. After a very silent moment, a couple of them burst into laughter.

"You can't be serious..."

"You must be joking..."

"This can't be real..."

"I am quite serious and this is indeed real Havoc, Fury, and Breda." Mustang said, a smug smile forming on his lips.

"But who writes these? I've never read things like this before, and I must of read about every book in Central." Scheska said with a finger to her chin.

"According to Full Metal, these are written by a bunch of fans." Mustang explained.

"But what kind of fan writes those?" Hawkeye asked, eyebrows raised.

"How should I know?" Mustang asked.

"I got to say, some of these are funny. Especially that one." Hughes said, pointing to a particular one on the screen.

"Being able to enjoy works of literature such as this has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" Armstrong said dramatically.

"I'm sure it has..." Falman said, suppressing his wanting to hit him.

"But yeah, let's read that one again!" Breda said excitedly.

"Yeah, you can almost imagine the romance between the two of them." Hughes said as he put a hand over his heart.

"Ok then. You want 'Full Metal and Palm Tree', then you got it." Roy laughed as he clicked on it again to read.

* * *

Extreme anger was etched in every line of Envy's face. He suddenly turned his arm into a spike and stabbed it through the computer screen. "Those sick bastards!!"

"What are you yelling about now Envy? And why did you damage Dante's computer again?" Lust asked as she entered the room.

"I check my email once every 100 something years, and what do I find? Stories all over this 'Internet' about me being intimate with the Full Metal Pipsqueak or that Flame Alchemist. And a few random others." Envy spat.

"Intimate...with the Full Metal boy..." Lust said slowly, trying to comprehend that.

"Do I have to repeat myself? Yes, I said 'Intimate with Full Metal'. When I find these sick weirdoes, I am so going to kill them!!!" Envy said as he stormed out the door on this new crusade. Lust didn't say anything for a moment, before a secretive smile played across her face.

"Hmm...Interesting...I can almost envision that..." she said to herself, imagining Envy and Ed Elric holding hands.

"I HEARD THAT!!" Envy shouted from the other room.

* * *

After reading the Roy and Envy story over and over again, Ed then wrote a letter,

_Dear Fanfiction Writers,_

_I appreciate the fanism. Really, I do._

_But there is one thing I don't appreciate._

_Stories about these 'pairings' as you call them, with the most unlikely people on the face of the planet. _

_You people must be joking, right?? Right???_

_It isn't happening. Ever._

_And if I find one more story about me and Envy or me and Roy or even worse, me and my little brother, I will hunt you down and punch you in the face._

_Have a nice day._

_From the desk of the Full Metal Alchemist._

_Ed Elric, the "non-gayest" character in the entire series._

_PS. I do enjoy the Roy and Envy stories though..._

* * *

Roy Mustang also wrote a similar letter like Ed's. 

_Dear everyone on this site,_

_Not that I don't hate you all or something, but the stories must stop. I have way too many girlfriends to be gay with Full Metal or the freaky palm tree. So stop the stories, or else I'll set your house on fire._

_From the Flame Alchemist._

_PS. Envy and Ed stories actually do make me laugh. Those I don't care if you stop doing or not. Just don't mention me anywhere in those stories._

* * *

Envy's letter however, was not as formal as Ed and Roy's.

_Ok you sick fucks, I just have one thing to say,_

_I. HATE. YOUR. GUTS._

_When I find you people who write these stories, I will tear you limb from limb and feed you to Gluttony. So you better watch out. Especially the people who wrote stories about me and Pipsqueak liking each other. Have you all forgotten that he is the son of my bastard father? WHY WOULD I LIKE HIM?_

_I hate you all and hope that you all die horrible painful deaths. I will probably cause that._

_See you in hell!_

_Envy_

_PS:...Ed and Roy stories, please continue those. I have no objections to those as I enjoy the shrimps pain. _

* * *

Ok, just to let everyone know, I am in no way against anyone's fanfics in particular. In fact, I didn't even mean the fanfictions from this site. It's just the basic idea of how these characters reactions to these stories would probably be.

R&R everyone. I'm pretty sure there are some of you out there who are laughing their asses off reading this.


	2. Mary Who?

Hey there everyone, I decided, "Why stop there, I can so take this further!"

That's right, this fic is no longer a one-shot, it is now an in progress fic!

Each chapter is about the characters (mostly Ed and Al) going over different types of fanfictions. Since the last one was about pairings with other cast members and yaoi/yuri fics, this one is about the dreaded "Mary Sues"(and in the girls' case "Gary Stu's)

I don't own FMA. If I did, Nina and Hughes would still be alive

**Mary Who?**

Ed was staring at a computer screen, his eyes sliding in and out of focus. He probably read the exact same sentence twice without realizing it. Al, who had just walked into the room, noticed Ed sitting in front of the computer, walked over. "Ed, what are you doing?"

Hearing Al's voice snapped Ed out of his trance. "Huh? Oh nothing."

Al peered over his shoulder. "Your on that fanfiction site again. I thought you hated that site."

"Yeah well, I couldn't just ignore this. I needed to see what other kinds of stories are on here." Ed said. "For all we know, there may be fanfics out there that may be even worse than pairings and yaoi/yuri fics."

"And what do you plan to do when you find these fics?"

"I read them. Depending on how they are, then that will judge what I will do to the author of the fic."

"What do you plan to do to the authors?"

"Probably punch them in the face. I would use my real arm if it were a good fanfiction. If bad, then let's just say that you'll be lucky if you're still alive and breathing through a tube." Ed said as he flexed his automail arm. Al shook his head and grabbed a chair as he sat down next to Ed.

"I might as well read these too in case there's anything here about me as well."

"Alright then, let's get started." Ed said as he was about to click on a link when all of a sudden, the door burst open. There, standing in the doorway, was a young girl about Ed's size with long blond hair and bright yellow eyes like Ed's. Her hair was kind of a dirty blond like how Al's used to be. She was wearing a state alchemist uniform in her own style (in other words, hers was different from the other officers) Ed noticed that she had an automail right arm like his as well.

"Hi there. I'm Mary Sue. I just got employed here as a State Alchemist. Roy Mustang told me that I'm to be helping you two out now." she said. Her voice was like the voice of angels and you could get lost in her eyes for days.

Ed blinked a few times before asking, "Wait...Mary Who?"

Mary Sue suddenly clapped her hands together. "I knew you felt the same way about me! I love you as well! We should definitely get married!" she squealed.

"Say what?" Ed yelled. "I am not getting married to a short person!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN A SPECK OF DUST IN AN ANT'S EYEBALL?" she screamed at him.

"HEY, THAT'S MY SHTICK!" Ed said, now yelling as well.

Roy Mustang suddenly burst into the office. "What did I tell you two about shouting in here?" he yelled now. Mary Sue locked eyes with Mustang.

"OMG, I FOUND MY LOST RELATIVE!" she screamed happily.

"What the hell are you talking about Mary Sue?" Roy Mustang asked, now feeling very confused.

"Don't you remember? You died and I tried to bring you back, but I ended up losing my right arm to do so and it didn't work? Oh yeah, did I mention that I can do alchemy without a transmutation circle?" she said, and suddenly, she clapped her hands together and placed them on the floor. In doing so, this caused a huge spike to come up out of the ground and stab Mustang in the chest.

"Oh my god! She just killed Roy!" Al gasped.

"But I wanted to do that!" Ed whined. But suddenly, Roy managed to sit up, pulling the spike out of him. He turned to Mary Sue, a weird look in his eyes.

"How did you know that I'm actually a homunculus?" he asked suddenly as he transformed into somebody Ed had never seen before. He looked like a hot anime bishoun girls would claw their eyes out for, with sleek sexy hair and was wearing an outfit like Envys. The Ouroboris tattoo was on his arm.

"Well duh, it was so blatantly obvious!" Mary Sue said.

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" Ed said, finally losing his patience. The homunculus turned to Ed.

"I am the homunculus known as Gary Stu. Mary Sue tried to bring me back from the dead, but it didn't work so I became like this. And now I am here to kill Mary Sue for creating me." he said in an ominous dark voice.

"But Gary Stu, I just realized something...I LOVE YOU!" Mary Sue gushed.

"I love you too Mary Sue, but my heart belongs to Winry. I must go to her now." he said, and with that, he jumped out of a window and disappeared. Mary Sue pouted.

"Fine, I'll just go find Envy then!" she said, and then she immediately ran through a window as well and disappeared. Ed and Al stood there blinking for a moment before speaking.

"Ok...WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?" Ed asked.

"I don't know Brother, but I'm scared now!"

"We better hide! I got dibs on the closet!" Ed said, as they then both ran out of the room and to the coat closet out in the hall where they both hid until it was safe to come back out.

Meanwhile on the other side of town...

"BUT I LOVE YOU ENVY!" Mary Sue whined as she firmly attached herself to Envy's leg. "Your my big sexy palm tree!"

"GET OFF OF ME YOU WORM! LUST, GLUTTONEY, WRATH, DO SOMETHING! I CAN'T GET HER TO DETACH HERSELF FROM MY LEG!" Envy started yelling.

"Actually, I find this quite enjoyable. Call it revenge for breaking Dante's computer." Lust said with amusement in her voice.

"Ha, Envy can't get rid of a mere human!" Wrath giggled.

"OMG, IT'S THAT SEXY WRATH AS WELL! HOW MANY OTHER SEXY BEASTS ARE THERE IN THIS PLACE?" Mary Sue squealed as she used alchemy to bind Envy to her as she started chasing after Wrath.

"Mommy! Get the scary lady to go away!" Wrath screamed as he tried to run away, but was soon pinned by Mary Sue using alchemy.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

And there you have it! Note: I am not trying to flame against anybody who may have a character with qualities like this in their fanfic, I'm just showing Mary Sueism to the most extreme levels.

R&R everyone, I stayed up all night writing this. The least you can do now is reply.

Gary Stu: Oh Night Rain Illusion...

Oh crud...

And this is where I take my leave! -Runs away-


	3. Completely Out of Character

Here is the next chapter of "You People Are Joking, Right?"

Summary: Everyone starts acting out of character. Insane madness ensues...

I don't own FMA. Damn, I do wish I did. Then I would be able to live in a mansion!

**Completely Out of Character**

Ed Elric was sitting at his computer, typing something in and reading some very long fanfics. Sometimes his face would seem to turn green where he would suddenly run out of the room looking ready to spill that day's fish taco all over the lab tech room. (Which he wasn't supposed to be in anyway)

When he came back, he sat back down in front of the computer and wrote some things down in a notepad. At the top, it was labeled, "Fanfics I Approve/Despise" and he was at the moment looking up "out of character fanfics". At this point, Al came into the room. He saw that his brother was in front of the computer yet again. Sighing, he sat down next to him.

"Ed?"

"Wuh?" he said, not really paying attention, his eyes fixed to the computer screen.

"Listen, I've been thinking..."

"I'm sure you have..."

"I know you want to find out more about these 'fanfictions' and all, but how does this help us with finding the Philosopher's Stone?" Al asked.

"Who cares about the Philosopher's Stone Al, now shut up and let me read these." he said, not even looking at Al.

Al gasped. His brother usually would have never said such a thing. Their goal for about 4 years had been trying to find the Philosopher's Stone. And now he was throwing all that time and energy spent away to read fanfiction?

"Ed, what's wrong with you? Brother, you're scaring me." Al said meekly. Ed suddenly stood up to face Al.

"Al, if you don't shut the bloody hell up, I'm going to wipe that damn blood seal off out of your armor!" he said angrily. Al squeaked. What could have happened to his brother to turn him into such a mean evil person? Ed turned back to the computer, and in doing so; Al noticed something for the first time.

"Ed?"

"What?" he snarled.

"Since when do you wear platform shoes?"

For indeed, Ed was wearing a pair of red platform shoes. Al had not noticed this until he noticed the apparent height change from when Ed stood up. Ed shrugged.

"I'm finally taking Mustang's advice. So what?"

Another audible gasp escaped Al's mouth (armor head...thing). Ed _never _took Mustang's advice. He hated his guts! So what the hell was wrong with him? Ed didn't seem to be listening to Al anymore, as he continued reading, Al saw him reach over to the side for a glass of...milk! Al thought at first that maybe Ed had grabbed the wrong glass; surely the milk taste would snap Ed out of his weird mood.

But no, Ed took a huge (what seemed to be satisfying) sip. He placed the glass back down near him and continued writing down a few things in his notebook.

"Ed...What was that you were drinking?" Al asked, praying that he wasn't going to say milk.

"Milk. What else would I drink? It's my favorite drink. Straight from the cow." he said as he went to take another sip. Al had seen and heard enough.

"Brother, snap out of it!" he said, and thus saying that, he winced as he slapped his older brother across the face. Ed blinked for a moment before looking around.

"Damn, what happened? And why does my face feel like I got hit with a steel pipe? Oh, hi Al. Why are you looking at me like that?" Ed asked, raising an eyebrow. Al sighed. So he seemed back to normal.

"You were acting really weird. You said mean things to me, your wearing platform shoes, and you were drinking milk..."

"I did WHAT??" Ed gasped.

"Yeah, you were taking huge sips and everything! I was partially disgusted just watching you!" Al said. Ed immediately started spitting onto the floor.

"UGGGH, I can taste that white vomit now in my throat!!" Ed started moaning. Seeing the platform shoes, he immediately started pulling them off.

"Damn platform shoes. They always make my feet hurt. Why the hell was I wearing them?" Ed asked Al.

"You said you were taking Colonel Mustang's advice as to making yourself taller." Al said quietly. Ed nearly exploded from hearing this.

"ME? TAKING THAT DAMN JERK WITH A GOD COMPLEX'S ADVICE? AS IF!" he yelled loudly as he pulled back on his regular shoes, kicking aside the platform shoes.

"So, do you think your back to normal now brother?" Al asked.

"I hope so. All though the urge to join up with the homunculus is starting to annoy the hell out of me." Ed said as he sat in his chair in front of the computer. Roy Mustang suddenly entered the office.

"HOW MANY DAMN TIMES DO I HAVE TO COME IN HERE TO TELL YOU TWO TO STOP YELLING AND MAKING NOISE?" he shouted at them.

"WELL EXCUUUUUUSE ME PRINCESS! Sorry to sound completely out of character right now, but sometimes I just fucking hate you Mustang." Al said suddenly. Roy and Ed stared at him.

"Damn Al, I was going to say that." Ed muttered.

"Fine, but you didn't have to hurt my feelings in the process! If you need me, I'll be frolicking through the flowers while dancing with Armstrong." Roy sobbed as he ran from the room in tears. Ed and Al blinked for a moment.

"Ok...that was fucked up." Ed said quietly. Ed suddenly pulled back on the platform shoes.

"Where the hell do you think your going?" Al asked.

"I think I'm going to go invite Envy to get drunk and make jokes about Winry bashing." Ed said as he closed the door behind him. After he left, Al crossed his arms in front of him.

"God I hate everyone." he muttered. Outside, fire was surrounding the flower field.

"Damnit, I accidentally caused the flowers to burst into flame! Somebody get a hose!" Roy's voice drifted through the window.

"The ability to put out fires with my wimpy muscles has not been passed down the Armstrong Line for Generations!" came another voice.

Al walked over and stuck his head out.

"SHUT THE HELL UP DOWN THERE, I'M TRYING TO HAVE A DARK OUTLOOK ON LIFE AND EVERYONE ELSE AT THE MOMENT." he yelled at them before shutting the window.

"Damn, they are all so fucking annoying! I need a drink..."

* * *

For some out there who isn't getting the main joke, there are fanfics where they change stuff about the character's personality, like the idea that Ed would be really mean to his little brother (unless he is a homunculus, then that is understandable) and actually likes milk, that's called being "out of character" when your acting like how you would probably never act. Or like Al would hit his brother like that in the face and would suddenly become all emo and hating everyone and cursing like the way he is.

R&R everyone. Please and thank you.

O-o

Wait...I never say please. Or thank you...

Crap, I'm starting to be out of character too!

-hits self-

There we go...


	4. Script Style Give Me Headaches!

Next chapter, "Author Notes Give Me Headaches!"

(You now, when the chapter is in "chat speak")

Disclaimer: I don't own FMA. I NEVER WILL. GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEADS PEOPLE!!!!

**Script Style Give Me Headaches!**

NRI: Hey everyone, and welcome to my fic! I am so glad that you all have stuck by this fic for so long...it kind of makes me all teary eyed...

Edward Elric: They don't want to listen to you, just start the chapter already! Hey wait...how did I get here...and who are you?

Alphonse: Why are we communicating script style? IT MAKES NO SENSE!

NRI: Oh me? I'm the author of this fic. Night Rain Illusion. And you two are in an author's note. Script style is actually an easier form of communication to some people.

Ed: Wait...we're in a fanfiction at this very moment?

Alphonse: Gosh brother, all that research you were doing on fanfictions, and this whole time you were in a fanfiction all along.

Ed: Your right Al! I don't know what to say...could it be that my whole life is a sham? Everything that I do is being controlled by this Night Rain Illusion person?

NRI: That sounds about right. You guys are kind of like my toys here in the realm of fanfiction.

Alphonse: You realize there's only one thing to do, right Brother?

Ed: KILL THE FANFIC WRITER!

Alphonse: Yea...wait no! I was going to say ask her to give us the Philosopher's stone. Think about it: She controls what goes on here. In fact, she could restore us to our normal bodies without the Philosopher's stone!

Ed: I still want to go with my killing idea though...

NRI: And besides, I can't actually do that! Do you have any idea how many rules and protocols I would be violating?

Ed: Rules? What rules?

NRI: The ones I made up on the spot. The ones that say, "You guys aren't getting jack in this fanfiction!"

Alphonse: ...you're right, let's kill her

Ed: I GOT A PITCHFORK!!

NRI: WHAT? YOU CAN'T KILL ME! WITHOUT ME, YOU TWO WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST!

Ed: Says who?

NRI: SAYS ME SHRIMP!

Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SHRIMP WHO IS ABOUT THE SIZE OF A PENCIL ERASER?

NRI: ME, THAT'S WHO!!

Roy Mustang: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU PEOPLE ABOUT THE INCESENT YELLING??...Wait, where the hell are we? How did I suddenly appear here?

Ed: Apparently we are all floating around in some void where the writer of this fanfic comes up with her ideas or tells readers extra stuff that may not be in the fanfic chapter.

Roy: Fanfic? You mean those things that you and Al have been reading online? We're in one of them?

Alphonse: According to NRI, yes.

Roy: Son of a...

NRI: Damn, none of you were supposed to learn the secret. I have to come up with some way to...

Envy: What's going on? How the hell did I get here? -Spots NRI and grabs her by the shoulders- Start explaining worm! Before I rip your intestines out!

NRI: This would be the greatest fangirl experience to have Envy with his hands on my shoulders if it wasn't for the fact I'm mortally terrified. Ok...let's see...Envy, you are in a fanfiction author note which is a place where just about anything can happen that I want to happen.

Envy: So this is your fault that we're here huh? -Kills NRI-

Alphonse: OMG, you killed the fanfic writer!

Ed: Great, now we're stuck here Envy! Thanks a lot!

Envy: Someone had to do it, so it should have been me to kill her.

NRI: -appears out of nowhere- That's what you sadly think. I can't be killed here. Unless I get doped up and hit by a bus, you guys are stuck here forever!

Ed: I thought you didn't want us here?

NRI: I don't, but it's something I have to do for the fanfic.

Roy: So what is this fanfic that we are in already?

NRI: I've said too much as it is. I'm afraid I'm going to have to wipe all your memories and force you out of here so that I can do a chapter -uses powers to make everyone loose their memory of being there and put them back in the fanfic-

* * *

Ed looked around the tech room. He had found himself lying on the ground with no memory of ever being there. He slowly got up and dusted himself off. Alphonse slowly stirred next to him.

"Brother...what were we doing on the floor?"

Ed looked around in equal confusion. "I don't know Al. But I have the strangest feeling that we forgot something..."

* * *

And that's the end of the chapter for now. Honestly, this is just me being weird and how I hate really long author notes that are way longer than the chapter itself. And in script style too. -Shudders- In fact, reading this over gave me a headache myself. I'll be lying down if you all need me...

...Don't need me...

R&R everyone.

Sorry for this being my shortest chapter yet (It's about 900 something words last I checked). All the script style reading started giving me a headache and made me have to go take some Tylenol and lie down a bit. So there you have it, please don't bitch about it to me.


	5. Self Insertion: Dirty or Fun?

Here is the next chapter. Thanks for waiting everyone!

I definitely don't own FMA.

**Self-Insertion: Dirty or Fun?**

Ed and Al were once again sitting around a computer. Reading fanfiction again. But finally, Ed snapped.

"WHY IS THIS SO DAMN DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND?" Ed exploded.

"What do you mean Brother?" Al asked.

"We've been reading and taking notes for close to a month now, and there's still so many things left to read! I'm not sure if we've even scratched the surface of 'fanfiction'." Ed sighed.

"What'd there to understand Brother? It's fiction written by fans." Al said slowly as if teaching a toddler the concept of two plus two.

"ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I'M STUPID?" Ed asked, picking up the hint of Al's tone.

Roy Mustang busted into the office. "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I COME IN HERE TO TELL YOU TWO ABOUT THE INCESENT YELLING!?" he yelled at them. After a moment he started coughing.

"Anyway, because of this endless debate on your little project, I hired an expert." Roy said after controlling his coughing fit.

"An expert on fanfiction?" Al asked incredulously.

"Yes, there is apparently someone who is." Roy said dismissively. "Anyway, I'll introduce you to her now..."

"Her? Hold up, if it's 'Mary Sue' again, there's nothing stopping me from throwing myself out the window." Ed said, and indeed he started edging himself towards the window that had been repaired from when Gary Stu had jumped out.

"Oh don't worry about her, we found her body in a river." Roy said reassuringly.

"If you say so...so who is this person?" Al asked.

A girl that was about as tall as Ed entered the room. (4'11 to be exact) She was wearing a black tee-shirt with an Inuyasha pic on her shirt and dark blue jeans and black tennis shoes. She was wearing a black wristband on one arm and a white one on the other arm. The one on the right had an image of the alchemy symbol Ed had on the back of his red coat, while on the white wristband she had an image of a blood seal similar to Al's. She had long brown hair and blue eyes hidden behind a pair of glasses. At the moment, she was reading a manga she had in one hand and talking to someone on a cell phone.

"I don't care what you say, Sesshomaru and Full Demon Inuyasha are a hell of a lot better characters than Kagome and those others...well, Shippo and Kohaku are also kind of cool, but for gods sake, don't kid yourself with thinking that they are better than Sesshomaru. Look, I got to go, I'm on the job right now...yeah, I'm reading the new issue of Shonen Jump...Yeah the Bleach issue. It says that Gaara is the scariest ninja of Naruto. Hard to believe that the mark on his forehead means "love", even though he is obviously cold hearted. Ok Every, I'll talk to you later on Khinsider Forums. BYE." she said as she hung up. She finally turned her attention to Ed and Al who were staring at her strangely.

"Sorry about that. The name's Amaya Illusion. Colonel Mustang called me and told me that you guys need some help with fanfiction." she said as she stuck a hand out. Ed shook it for a moment before withdrawing his hand.

"Huh, your name sounds really familiar. I can't remember from where though..." Al said after shaking her hand. Amaya suddenly looked around nervously.

"Uhh nope, sorry, never met you guys before." she said quickly as she went over to the computer where they had crowded around a moment ago. "So what were you reading?"

"Some fanfiction on here about us. Most of it though involves Ed being intimate with Colonel Mustang though." Al said slyly.

"Shut it Al.", Ed muttered.

"Yeah I'm sorry about that, but it happens. There are many yaoi fans out there that think that it's really hot to see you and Roy together." Amaya said delicately so as not to set Ed off.

"How do they get their sick satisfaction from that?" he asked.

"I don't know, but sadly there are people like that." she said as she started typing on the computer.

"Why do people write fanfiction though? What are they gaining from taking the time to come up with ideas and then the energy to type it out and put it for all to see?" Al asked.

Amaya gave him a smile. "They gain the feeling of accomplishment. They gain fans from around the world that love their stories. That's what they get in the equivalent exchange of fanfiction writing. All in all, it's just fans writing fiction. Fanfiction."

"I told you so." Al said.

"Yeah yeah yeah...but if we were already bored to tears about reading fanfiction and we don't care, why do we do it anyway?" Ed asked.

"It's like as if some force from above is making us have to still read fanfiction, some force that is controlling our every thought and movement." Al said as he looked up at the ceiling in thought, but Ed's voice suddenly jerked him out of his thoughts.

"Hey, where did Amaya go?"

They looked to see that she was no longer in the room. Ed walked over to the computer where he saw one web page up...

"Night Rain Illusion's Fanfiction profile..."

"Funny. I've heard that name somewhere else too..." Ed said in thought, not noticing Al slap himself in the face.(armored helmet)

* * *

There's my self-insertion of myself for a while. I really do look like that and have thoughts like that about certain animes. My name is not actually "Amaya" though.

"Amaya" actually means "Night Rain", so there's where the name came from. Amaya Illusion will make an appearance sometime later...

"Every" is actually my alter ego that I use on KHI.

R&R everyone.


	6. Creepy Dreams

This fic is getting to be my post popular fic ever! I just want to hug each and every one of you...

Wait...no I don't...

-Shoves Ed forward- He can hug you all for me while I update this fic.

Ed: FANGIRLS!!! -Runs for it- Oh yeah, and Night Rain doesn't own Full Metal Alchemist.

**Creepy Dreams**

It had been a long grueling day for young Edward Elric as he climbed into bed. He had taken some more notes on fanfiction, and the constant random popping ins of Amaya Illusion didn't help either. He could swear that he had heard of her somewhere else. Every time he voiced this to Al, Al would give him a look that said, "Are you that blind?" but Ed couldn't imagine why he kept giving him that look.

He put his arms behind his head and tried to think of something to help him fall asleep. He remembered how their mother used to tell them to think of something happy, like kittens and rainbows and sugar cookies to make them fall asleep. (Night Rain Illusion: OMFG, that sentence just gave me a great idea for something else! hehehehe) So Ed now closed his eyes and imagined for reasons unknown to him, a rainbow. But someone was running towards him. It looked like Winry. As he held his arms out to her, the dream suddenly changed so that he was in a weird black void.

"What the..." he said aloud. Suddenly, a voice spoke out to him.

"Edward Elric..." said a voice. It sounded female. He wasn't sure if he could recognize it or not.

"What do you want with me?" he asked as he looked around for the source of the voice. "Who are you?"

"You may have heard of me and know me, you may have not..."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means you may know me or you may not. Damn, can't I be literate and mysterious at least once?" the voice said angrily. Ed thought long and hard for a minute so that he could figure out where the voice came from.

"...Winry?"

"Winry couldn't find her way out of a cardboard box, let alone be a mysterious token character that controls all of life and existence." the voice responded to his guess.

"Hawkeye?"

"No dice. Since when the hell would she have been able to get powers like mine?"

"Teacher?"

"If I was your Teacher, I would of already showed myself to you. I'm not exactly afraid of a whiney little pipsqueak."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A WHINEY PIPSQUEAK!!!" Ed shouted at what he hoped was the voice, unsure of where this person would be standing.

"You Full Metal Pipsqueak (Ed thought he heard a weird giggling after the voice said that)"

"...Envy?"

"...Yeah right, although I will remember that and tell him you thought he had a female voice."

Ed had thought of every female person he ever really knew, fortunately forgetting Amaya Illusion at the moment. "Ok, I give up. So why are you talking to me?"

"Oh yeah, I nearly forgot. The fabric of your world is tearing. You see, you guys' finding out about the fanfiction is starting a chain of events that could very well end your world as you know it. Fanfiction comes from a distant world, very similar to yours, where your exploits are told throughout the world and many dedicated fans write about you. Yet, somehow, a rift was open so that you would be able to get access to these special stories. This rift will eventually turn fiction into reality, and the world will end. Oh wait, I think I already said that..." the voice trailed off.

"So how do I fix this?" Ed asked, but then the voice said, "Would you look at the time, I have a Geometry test to study for...", said the voice hurriedly. "I'll tell you the rest another time."

"Wait, I have just one question. Please, it's important..." Ed said pleadingly. The voice sighed.

"Ask the question."

"What the hell is Geometry?" Ed asked.

"It's a complicated form of math that involves formulas and measurements."

"Eh?"

"-Sigh-It's math that involves shapes."

"What's math?"

"...Your joking right? Eh, the side effects of dreams are taking the part. The sheer stupidity and insanity is kicking in, as if it hadn't already." the voice sighed, but then went into a coughing fit.

"Are you ok?" Ed asked worriedly.

"Yeah, I just have a cold. So anyway, I'll be leaving now. Oh yeah, you might want to keep an eye on Amaya Illusion. She's the one that's been putting thumbtacks on your chair that you use when you're on the Internet."

"What? I blamed Mustang for that! I hope she realizes that she got a perfectly innocent colonel in trouble..." Ed said, but he noticed the voice struggling not to laugh. Ed grinned.

"Sneaky...I like that..."

"Well, the dream's almost over. See ya." the voice said, and as the blackness started to fade away, he thought he caught a pair of yellow eyes watching him. He found himself outside of a door. A red door...I see a red door and I want it painted black...

Wait, now is not the time to be singing Paint it Black by Rolling Stones, no matter how kickass that song is.

Ed turned the knob of the door slowly to find a brightly lit room. What met his eyes, no one might have guessed. The door shut behind him and he was forced to glue his eyes to the scene in front of him. If he could throw up in a dream, it would be right in that instant.

Al was doing some kind of an Irish dance, either that or the can-can; he could never tell those dances apart for the life of him. Envy was arm in arm with Wrath as they were singing something drunkenly and sloshing beer from their beer mugs all over themselves, probably too drunk to notice. But maybe the weirdest of them all was Maes Hughes playing the bagpipes and wearing a Scottish kilt. And they were all singing "Numa Numa Yay! Numa Numa Yay! Numa Numa Numa Yay!" as the Numa Numa song was playing in the background. (Japanese version or whatever version it is that's not English)

"AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!" Ed started screaming loudly, in the corner of his eye he saw Roy slam the door open and yell, "Even in your dreams you make me come in here and yell at you about the incessant screaming!"

* * *

"Ed...Ed!"

Ed woke up to find that he was being shaken awake by Al. "Ed, are you ok?"

"Yeah, you suddenly started screaming 'Oh the humanity!' and 'Oh my fucking' god!' and a few other choice ones." said a voice in the corner of the room. Ed looked to see Amaya standing there, not looking at him as she was typing something furiously into a small red device."

"Why is she in here?" Ed pointed, but Al shrugged. Ed stared at the red item in her hands.

"What's that?"

"Hmm? Oh this? It's called a Nintendo DS. I'm playing a videogame called Blue Mystery Dungeon at the moment." she said without looking at him.

"Anyway, so what was with the screaming?" Al asked.

"I just had the craziest dream Al...And...I learned something. Something important."

"Really, what??" Al asked.

"Hughes in a kilt leaves absolutely nothing...and yet everything to the imagination"

* * *

There's the chapter for you. Fanfiction reference?

When people do dream sequences in their fanfics, some overplay the "mysterious token all knowing all seeing voice of absolute mystery and yet is known from somewhere buried deep in latent memory."

Yeah...

-Phone rings-

I got to take this. -Answers- Hello?

???: I have delivered the message to him like you wanted me to. He now knows of what he must do...

-Scans chapter- No he doesn't. All you did was tell him of the problem, but you didn't tell him how to fix it!

???: ...Damn

R&R everyone! In the meantime...

-Turns up the radio so that everyone can dance to Numa Numa-

Numa Numa Yay! Numa Numa Yay! Numa Numa Numa Yay!

Ed: What the hell is with your obsession to this Numa Numa song?? It's just some random song!!

Be quiet or I'll make the fangirl chapters come faster instead of putting them off like I have been for the past few weeks.

Ed:...I'll be good...

That's my good little obedient dog...

Ed: -cries-


	7. Happy Turkey Day!

My mom found out about my fanfiction and me. Hi Mom...

A few days ago was Thanksgiving, a time to get fat and give thanks for the things you have while on the side wishing that you had an Italian sports car.

I don't own FMA. And Mom, that's called a disclaimer. We apparently have to put those into the stories for some apparent reason.

**Happy Turkey Day! **

Ed poked at the tablecloth for a moment before saying, "What are we doing?"

"It's Thanksgiving, and I decided that we should celebrate it here." Roy said as he and Al were placing plates on the table. Ed had his feet up on the table and was now putting his arms behind his head. He gave Roy a skeptical look.

"You mean Amaya decided it."

"Yeah basically." Roy said as they put the last plate on the table.

"What did she do to make you agree to this?" Ed asked, picturing bribery and blackmail. He hoped it was blackmail.

"I'd rather not say." Roy muttered, as he remembered how Amaya had come into his office threatening to expose the fact that military funds were going towards his brand new flat-screen and that hot tub party he had last week with all the female officers.

Ed snickered. It was definitely blackmail.

They finished putting all the dishes out on the table and Roy left, saying that there were a few phone calls that he had to make. Ed sighed and turned to Al, "So what exactly is this Thanksgiving?"

"It's apparently some American holiday where we feast and give thanks for the things we have." Al explained.

"Oh." Ed said in comprehension. After a moment...

"What the hell is 'American'?"

* * *

Amaya came into the room sometime later, carrying an armload of headbands with feathers attached to them. Ed was too busy counting the plates and suddenly realized something.

"I count an awful lot of plates. Who exactly is joining us?" he asked.

"Everybody. Our family and friends." she smiled as she dropped all the headbands into a chair.

"Me and Ed...Don't really have any family. And as far as friends, we only have Winry." Al said.

"I know that. So I decided to invite as many people as I could." she smiled sneakily.

"Please god, I hope you didn't..." Ed said as he held his head in his hands.

The door suddenly burst open as Envy came in, walking high and mighty, closely followed by the other homunculus and their leader Dante. "Party crashers have arrived!" Envy declared.

"Your not party-crashing, I invited you people here." Amaya pointed out.

"Oh yeah...well...your mom!" Envy said as he went off straight for the open bar at the other end of the room. Ed was quietly crying in his hands while Al patted him on the shoulder.

Amaya turned to Dante. "So what convinced you guys to come?"

"Well..."

_Flashback _

_"Apparently we are invited to a Thanksgiving party at Fullmetal's." Dante told her homunculus. Lust crossed her arms. _

_"This is probably some trap." _

_Envy nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, why should we go to Fullmetal Pipsqueak's party?" _

_"Free buffet and open bar." _

_Envy immediately rose from the chair he was sitting in. "I'll get my coat." _

_Wrath, who was sitting cuddled up with Sloth, said, "You don't have a coat Envy." _

_"I'll steal one along the way." _

_End of Flashback _

"I see." Amaya said thoughtfully.

"But I didn't say anything." Dante said.

"But I saw the flashback. I'm pretty sure everybody did."

Meanwhile, the door opened again and in came Winry and Rose. "Thanks for inviting me Ed, even though I'm still angry at you for ruining our lives in Lior and causing a war to happen." Rose said cheerfully.

"Thanks Rose, that means a lot to me." Ed said sarcastically.

Winry leaned against the bar counter, unfortunately next to a somewhat drunk Greed. He turned to face her, his eyes a little bloodshot and had somewhat of a slur.

"Hey mama sita, what brings you here?"

Winry immediately slouched away from Greed. Greed turned to Envy who was sitting farther down the bar counter.

"She digs me." he told him.

Envy rolled his eyes as he turned to Wrath, who was staring at the drinks curiously.

"Come on Wrath, let's drink until we can't feel feelings no more!"

"Don't we already not feel feelings because of our soulessness?"

"Shut up Wrath, you know what I meant." Envy said as he ordered the most alcoholic drinks they had for the both of them. Wrath picked up the mug.

"Are you sure that we won't succumb to alcohol poisoning?" he asked.

"Course not. If we died from alcohol poisoning, we'd just come back drunk as ever." Envy said knowingly as he drained his mug in one gulp.

Wrath shrugged. "Makes since to me." he said as he drank from his glass.

They ended up dying from alcohol poisoning 6 times and coming back more drunk than the last time.

Ed's Teacher, Izumi, was eyeing Gluttony who was drooling starring at her. She ended up turning her attention to Wrath who was too blind to even notice that she was even in the room. So she ended up getting into a conversation with Scar that ended with arguments about religion and alchemy.

Meanwhile, Al was toying with the headbands that Amaya had made. They were a tan color with stripes and other patterns. And there was a different color feather attached to each one.

"Amaya, what are these?"

Amaya was wearing one of the headbands. "They are Indian headbands. I thought it would be fun to wear them for Thanksgiving."

"Oh." Al said as he placed one on his helmet. Amaya handed him the rest. "Here, give one to everyone for me, ok?"

"Sure, I'd love to help." Al said as he went off to pass them out to everyone. When he came back, he looked somewhat disgruntled.

"I see you passed them out...wait, why isn't Gluttony wearing one?" she asked.

"He ate his."

"Should have expected that."

Dante was dancing on the dance floor with Pride. Pride was only dancing because he had to. And if he didn't, he was pretty sure that he would end up getting drunk. And as Fuher, he never drank with others. Amaya shook her head sadly as she watched them dance because she couldn't think of a good joke to put here.

Sloth meanwhile was looking for Wrath. She finally found him hugging a coat rack. "Wrath?" she asked attentively.

"Hi Mommy, when did you get here?" he asked, his speech slurred.

"Wrath, your drunk! Who told you it was ok to drink?...and why are clutching onto the coat rack like that?" she asked.

"Envy said drinking is cool. Oh yeah, this is my new girlfriend Latonia. She doesn't talk much." he giggled.

"Where's Envy?" Sloth asked.

"He's over there talking to that other girl. He claimed her for his own before I could, lucky bastard." Wrath said, but then started stroking the coat rack. "No no Latonia, I love you more than her."

Sloth looked around to see Envy talking to a palm tree in the corner of the room.

"So baby, want to go out back behind the dumpster?" he asked.

Sloth sighed as she started dragging Wrath away from the coat rack.

"But Mommy, it was true love at first sight! I will come back for you Latonia!"

The coat rack said nothing.

Ed was having a conversation with Amaya in the kitchen when the door opened to reveal a girl with white spiky hair, a black shirt with Full Demon Inuyasha on it, and blue jeans with sandals. She had yellow eyes and pointy teeth that were turned in a smile. "Hey girlfriend, I made it in time!"

"Every Heart! I'm so glad you came!" Amaya said as she hugged her friend. Ed looked on wondering if he should leave.

"Oh yeah, Ed, this is my good friend Every. Every, this is Ed Elric." Amaya introduced as Every was putting on a feather headband.

"So this is the little shorty you keep telling me about", Every said to Ed.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A LITTLE SHORTY??" Ed yelled at Every.

"My my my, the little shorty has a temper." she purred, the sharp teeth glistening.

"SHUT UP YOU...YOU..." Ed vented.

Roy burst into the kitchen, but before he could say, "ENOUGH OF THE DAMN SCREAMING ED!!" like he usually does, the door came and smacked him in the face.

"Ow. Ow. OWWW." he muttered as he came in with Riza, Hughes, and Armstrong. The four of them immediately tensed up at seeing the homunculus.

"What are they doing here?" Riza asked as she pulled out her guns. Amaya put a hand over the guns.

"Chill. They are here as guests. You guys can try to kill each other tomorrow." Amaya said soothingly. They relaxed as they went off to join the party. Roy and Riza began to dance on the dance floor together while Armstrong showed off his muscles to anybody who would bother looking, which was a drunk Greed who was staring with adoration. Hughes was showing pictures of his family to everyone he could. Lust unfortunately was the unlucky victim.

"If I hear one more word about Elyssia, I will personally kill myself." she said after managing to get away.

Every went into a long discussion with Amaya about who would win in a fight, Sesshomaru or Full Demon Inyasha, which ended with the two of them pulling out light sabers and clashing with each other. Gluttony was nowhere to be found, not like anyone cared.

Amaya finally got everyone to sit down at the table. (Envy had demanded that someone get a chair for the palm tree) Amaya took a fork and tapped the glass. "Ok everyone, before we eat, we need to all give thanks for something we have."

"I'm thankful that I have Al.", Ed said.

"I'm thankful for Brother!" Al said.

"I'm thankful for Ed and Al.", Winry said.

"I'm thankful for the sun god Leto." Rose said solemnly.

"I'm thankful for the Armstrong Generation!" Armstrong said dramatically.

"I'm thankful for my little daughter Elyssia, oh she's just so cute and lovable and..." Hughes gushed, but was thankfully cut off by Riza.

"I'm thankful that none of us have died", she said. Dante laughed. "Not yet anyway." she said eyeing Hughes.

"I'm thankful for fire." Roy said as he sparked his gloves.

"I'm thankful for alchemy and equivalent exchange." Izumi said as she took a sip from the wine glass.

"I'm thankful for Ishbala!" Scar said.

"I'm thankful for eternal life." Dante said.

"I'm thankful for absolutely nothing." Lust muttered.

"I'm thankful for money!" Greed cried out drunkenly.

"I'm thankful for Mommy and Latonia!" Wrath said, collapsed over in his chair.

"I'm thankful...for...Wrath I suppose." Sloth said.

"I'm thankful that I'm Fuher." Pride said. Roy immediately gave him a dirty look.

"I'm thankful for alcohol!" Envy said as he disentangled himself from a lip-lock with the palm tree.

"I'm thankful that there are so many hot hot bishouns..." Every said as she was drooling over a picture of Full Demon Inuyasha.

"And I'm thankful for fanfiction!" Amaya said. "Now let's eat!"

She lifted the covers off the turkey and ham and the other food to find that it was all gone.

"WHO ATE ALL THE FOOD??" everyone shouted. Everybody immediately turned to Gluttony.

"Sorry." he said sheepishly.

* * *

That's the thanksgiving chapter everyone! I hope that you enjoyed it!

R&R everyone!


	8. Lazy Future

Here is the next chapter of You People Are Joking, Right?

Listen, if anyone has a songfic or something that I can read, please let me know. I haven't really read songfics before so until then, I can't make a chapter about those

This is mostly just an informal chapter of things to come...

**Lazy Future...**

Amaya was reading a magazine on a plush armchair in the computer room when Ed and Al came into the room. Ed was holding something behind his back.

"Amaya..."

Amaya quickly hid the magazine she was reading behind her back, book marking the page labeled "So Your Stuck in a Fanfiction", as she said, "What now Ed?"

"We found something out about you...your not really from our side of the gate, are you?" Ed asked.

"What makes you suspect that?" Amaya asked, praying to Ra that they didn't find her missing notebook.

"This notebook with the initials 'NRI' on the cover mentions some very interesting stuff, like those videogames and books that you have. And according to your notebook, it says, 'The void seems to have become larger seeing as how I am able to take stuff from my time to here even though this stuff has never been invented yet.' Want to start explaining some stuff?" he asked.

Damn, they did find it.

"Ok, I'll tell you the truth...I'm...from the future."

"THE FUTURE???" they both exclaimed.

"Yeah, I was sent here to your time to prevent something catastrophic from happening. I get bored easily, so I brought some of my stuff here, including the clothes off my back." she said pointedly to the fact that jeans were way different back then.

"What year is it where you are from?" Al asked.

"2006. About 60 years from now." Amaya answered.

"Wow, what's it like? Flying cars and such?" Ed asked.

"Not really. We still aren't that far. Good news for you Ed, there are people in the future that are way shorter than you."

"Take that future!" Ed said as he shook his fist at the ceiling.

"So what kind of things do you have in the future?" Al asked.

"War, computers and technology for nuclear bombs, disease and cancer, and probably worse of all, Lindsey Lohan." Amaya said counting off her fingers

"Whose Lindsey Lohan?" they both asked.

"That's not important right now. The point is that we have a lot of crap going on in the future. And worse of all, no alchemy."

"No Alchemy!" they both exclaimed. Everyone immediately looked to the door, waiting for the usual arrival of Mustang.

"Maybe you two didn't say it loud enough." Amaya whispered.

"Oh right...NO ALCHEMY!!!" they both exclaimed loudly. Right on cue, Mustang burst into the room.

"What the hell is with the yelling?" he asked.

"Oh, no reason." all three chorused. Mustang glared at them before leaving. The minute he left, they burst out laughing.

"I love doing that..." Amaya said. "Anyway, I came here to see how things are doing here in the hope that I can make sure to change things for the better."

"Don't they have scientists working on stopping war and cancer?" Al asked worriedly.

"Yeah, but these days all you ever hear about are the new Nintendo Wii and the PS3." Amaya said shaking her head.

"Lazy Future..." Ed muttered.

"So what can we do to help?" Al asked.

"Well, you can..." and then Amaya whispered something into their ears. Upon hearing this, they both collapsed on the floor and were out cold. Amaya smirked as she got her notebook back. The door opened as Amaya's friend Every from the previous chapter came in.

"What the hell did you do to them?" she asked.

"They found my notebook. So I fed them a mostly made up story about me being from the future and now I knocked them out using my super special awesome fanfic writer powers. When they wake up, they won't recall this conversation." Amaya explained.

"Even though part of that is completely true. If they found out we were from the other side of the gate's future, boy talk about screw ups..." Every said shaking her head and sending her white hair in her face.

"Listen, we will need their help for the soon impending doom of the you-know-what." Amaya said quietly.

"You mean the cross..."

"Hey hey hey, there are people reading this, don't give that away!" Amaya said quickly.

"You know what I find amazing though? We have things like computers and videogames, and yet these people are still struggling to invent the microwave..."

"Just remember to give him the message that you were supposed to give him last time..." Amaya said sternly.

"Alright alright, gods your no fun." Every said as she disappeared into thin air.

"Man, it's so hard to find good help these days..." Amaya muttered.

* * *

That was my short piece on future implications. Hints on things in there too. Also, I want to address something:

The time period of FMA is technically in the early 40's. They don't have the things we have. They're still trying to get a microwave, let alone a computer or anything else like that. So when writing FMA literate uncrack fanfics, keep that in mind.

My proof of this was in an episode where Winry "supposedly" invented a machine, which we know as the microwave.

Anyway, the stuff that's left before the really real plot-line stuff:

Songfics

Pride Fics (Homunculus Ed)

Gender Bender (In other words MPreg fics or something along that line)

Alternate Universe (which technically, this fanfic is an AU when you think about it)

The different types of stories (Romance, Angst, Drama, etc...)

IMPENDING DOOM PLOT!!!

(And of course, when there is a holiday like Christmas or whatever, those will be done too)

Don't worry, real updates will be soon...sorry for supposed lack of laughs.


	9. We're Going on Hiatus!

Ok, very important chapter to read for now.

I don't own FMA

Note: Got a lot of questions about Winry and microwave. Look up the episode where Ed's digging in their mom's grave.

Date: December 7th, 2006 at the time of this chapter. Making a mental note here.

Bologna - Baloni for those who don't understand the correct spelling of it.

**We're Going on Hiatus!**

Amaya busted into a room carrying a suitcase. "Hey all, I have to be..." she started to say, but then realized that she had went into the wrong room. But what she did see was what looked like wrestling between Havoc and Fury. They quickly disentangled themselves at seeing her staring at them in the doorway.

"Yeah...I'm going to slowly back out of the room, and pretend I never saw you two. But in the near future, I will use this as blackmail. Agreed?"

"Agreed", they both said.

"Good. And gods forbid, you guys need to actually practice stuff like that, you're doing it all wrong! You have to headlock them under your arms so that your head will be closer to...to...you know what, I'll let you ladies figure it out." she said as she left the room.

Amaya found the right room eventually where Ed and Al were having some kind of argument.

"I'm telling you, bologna does not come from bologna elves!"

"And I'm telling you that they do not grow from bologna trees!"

"What the hell are you two arguing about?" Amaya asked.

"Oh, we got bored, so we decided to play the random argument game. We both argue about something even though we both know what the correct answer is to it." Al answered.

"Ok...Anyway, I'm going on hiatus." Amaya said as she put her suitcase on a table.

"Hiatus?"

"Is that some kind of fruit? Or is that a type of fat person diet?" Ed asked.

Amaya raised an eyebrow. "Sure Ed, I'm going to go get on top of a giant horny fruit and ride it all the way to Canada so that I can lose weight..."

"Sheesh, I thought you people were supposed to be jolly..." Ed responded.

"I was being sarcastic Ed.", Amaya said.

"So what's Hiatus?" Al asked.

"It's pretty much a vacation or a break from something." Amaya explained.

"Awesome! Can we go on Hiatus too?" Ed asked.

"Why would you two need to go on Hiatus?" Amaya asked.

"Because I need a break from my job..."

"You guys haven't been doing anything for about 2 to 3 months now!"

"Your point?"

"So I'll be gone for a while. Don't set the computer on fire again." Amaya said. "If you need me, and which I hope you don't, I'll be tanning at the beach."

"Come on! I want to go!" Ed whined.

"Who the hell said I wasn't letting you go, I ain't your momma fool!" Amaya said as she snapped her fingers in that weird gangster fashion.

"Awesome! Hiatus!" they both cheered.

Amaya turned to the door. "HEY, COLONOL BASTARD!!!"

Roy Mustang came barging into the room. "WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU PEOPLE LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE? I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN DAYS THANKS TO YOU PEOPLE. YOU PEOPLE OUGHT TO BE SHOT! IN FACT, I'LL JUST GET RIZA TO DO IT! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM CRACKERS??" he roared as he did the gangster finger snap as well, which pretty much sent a bunch of flame sparks about the place.

"You really ought to control that ALL CAPS problem of yours Colonel. I was going to invite you to come with us to the beach where there will be plenty of girls in bikinis. But because of those mean things you said, your not coming with us..." Amaya said evilly.

"Aww man..." Mustang said as he left the room.

All three of them did the gangster snap. "Check it fool."

Al was having trouble doing the finger snap because of his armored fingers.

"Aww...I can't do the snap very well..."

They packed up and headed out to Hiatus beach, where the lazy people go. There were many fanfiction authors there, sprite comic designers, and a few web page makers. Some sat around and did nothing while others were...pretty much doing nothing.

"Is everyone here lazy or something?" Ed asked. He was wearing a very hot set of swim trunks thank you very much.

"That's what Hiatus does to you. But every once in a while..." she started to say, when one of the people suddenly jumped up.

"Holy shit! I need to go update that fanfic!" he cried out as he ran away from the beach. Many of the other people there shook their heads.

"Poor Joe..."

"We knew him well..."

"That poor son of a..."

"Damn reviewers and emailers..."

"Ok, I'll be tanning, you guys do whatever." Amaya said, who was wearing a black bikini with a symbol of a raindrop on the top half. Around her neck was a necklace that had a fang dangling off it. Ed and Al ran off to the water while Amaya sat under an umbrella reading, So You've Decided to Go on Hiatus, By NRI.

"I can't wait for her next book, So You've Decided to Worship a False Anime God..." Amaya said to herself. "And then there's also So You've Decided to Write a Crack Fic"

There was a scream from far off in the water, and then...

"God damnit, I lost my trunks!"

* * *

Yes everyone, I'm going on a small hiatus from this fanfic and my other fanfic "The Only One" so that I can get all my other fanfics caught up.

Just wait for a while and you'll get what you want.

I still need a sample songfic from anyone since I've never read a songfic before and can't find any.

R&R

That means Read and Review fool.

Check it. -Gangsta snap-


	10. A Very Full Metal Christmas Carol

Yes, I know I'm a few days late with this chapter. I was spending Christmas with my dad.

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist

**A Very Full Metal Christmas Carol**

Roy Mustang hated the holidays very much. One could see him as a Scrooge. In fact, he ordered for everyone under him to be working all the way through Christmas Day.

"But sir! What about the holidays? We have families to be with!" the soldiers protested, Havoc, Fury, and Breda being among them.

"That's nice, but that serial killer is still out there, and whose going to be trying to catch him while we are all out drinking hot chocolate and waiting for some imaginary fat guy named Santa to come down our incredibly tiny chimneys to give presents?", Mustang asked. That shut everyone up. Except for Breda...

"You said he was real!" he choked as he bitchslapped a now very confused Havoc.

Riza Hawkeye shook her head. She knew he meant well...and yet the thought that she wouldn't be at home curled up with Black Hayate kept resurfacing in the front of her mind.

Later that night however, as Mustang was sleeping in his bed, he suddenly heard a voice...

"Roy... Roy..."

He awoke with a start to find what looked like a ghost version of Maes Hughes floating near his bed. The sight made Mustang scramble out. "What the hell?"

"Relax Roy, I'm just haunting your ass from beyond the grave...there's nothing to be afraid of..." he said with a dismiss of the hand. Mustang raised an eyebrow.

"You're WHAT??"

"Gotcha!" Hughes laughed.

"Look, I must have drunk too much of that alcoholic eggnog Full Metal gave me. I knew I shouldn't have accepted anything he gave me.", he said.

"I really am a ghost. Watch and be amazed at THIS!" Hughes said dramatically. Yet nothing happened.

"So...what was supposed to happen?"

"Didn't I just turn invisible?"

"No..."

"You must be lying..."

"Look, your right here in front of me. I can see you."

"Huh. That usually works..." Hughes said as he put a hand to his chin.

"What do you want?" Mustang said, deciding that the best thing to do in this situation was to go along with it.

"Right. You will be visited by 3 spirits, and they will teach you the true meaning of Christmas. Well, I better be going. They got me haunting some family in Resembool and I don't want them to notice that I've suddenly gone missing. Otherwise they'll end up thanking those hack priests that showed up the other day with their holy water." Hughes said cheerfully as he disappeared into thin air.

Mustang scratched his head. "Ok..."

Much later, the first spirit arrived.

"Hey, Colonel Bastard, wake up already, I'm not getting paid enough for this..."

Mustang woke up to suddenly see Ed Elric leaning against the door of his bedroom.

"Full Metal! What the hell are you doing in my house?"

"I'm the ghost of Christmas past." he said in a very dramatic ghost tone.

"No your not..."

"Yes I am..." he said in the same ghost tone.

"Quit talking like that short stack." Mustang said annoyed.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALLER THAN AN ATOM?" Ed yelled, and yet in the same ghost like tone.

"You. Now let's just get this over with."

"Right...I'm here to show you how you used to be in the past around Christmas. That way it will help to see the error of your ways." Ed said. The scenery changed around them to reveal a small home and a very young 7 year old version of Roy Mustang opening up Christmas presents.

"Awesome, Santa got me some matches!" he said happily. The scenery faded away so that the two of them were back in Mustangs house.

"There, have you learned anything?" Ed asked.

"All I learned from that was 'Santa' is an idiot..."

"You have learned nothing. Too bad, this means that the other spirits will have to come." Ed shrugged.

"Great. Now get the hell out of my bedroom!"

"That's what she said..."

"GET OUT!!!"

Later that night, the second spirit arrived.

"Wake up you worm."

Mustang woke up, and instead saw Envy leaning against his door. Mustang started reaching for his alchemy gloves on the nightstand.

"Relax. I'm not here to kill you. I'm the ghost of Christmas present. I was hired...err I mean I came here to help you learn the true meaning of Christmas."

"Let's just get this over with..." Mustang sighed.

"Very well. I will show you something from this present time, in the hope you will see the error of your ways."

The scenery changed to reveal Mustang, current time, at his desk, writing something on some papers. The phone rang. He picked it up, then immediately hung up without finding out who it was. He kept on writing, and then the scenery changed back to the bedroom.

"There, you have bared witness to your selfishness..." Envy said.

"Just because I didn't really answer the phone?"

"Yes."

"Great, now get the hell out of my house."

"Yeah yeah, but while I'm leaving, I'm stealing your wallet and cleaning out your fridge."

Then, finally, the final spirit arrived.

"Hey..."

He barely even slept as it was, so he sat up in bed and he saw Amaya Illusion floating off the ground in front of his bed.

"I am the ghost of Christmas future. In case you're wondering, people in the future can float like this." she said.

"So what are you going to show me this time?" he asked.

"I will show you what Christmas will be like in the future if you don't change your ways..." she said. The scenery changed to suddenly show a forest. A guy in red ran past with a girl wearing a green school uniform.

"Let's go Kagome!"

"I'm right behind you Inuyasha!"

"What the hell is this?" Mustang asked.

"Whoops, wrong clip. I accidentally put in a clip of an Inuyasha episode instead of your future." Amaya said sheepishly. The background changed to reveal instead a snowy tundra and a cabin. And a very depressed looking Mustang in a coat talking to Havoc and Fallman.

"What's this?"

"This is the Full Metal Alchemist movie. If you don't change your ways, you will end up in a depressive state and end up living in some backwoods with no plumbing, and you only get a cameo appearance in the movie, which makes you get even less screen time than Bakura does on Yugioh."

"Who the hell is Bakura?"

"Exactly."

"Look, I'll change my ways. I'll change!"

"Good.", Amaya said. The background changed back to the Inuyasha episode.

"Now shut up, I'm trying to watch Inuyasha..."

The next day, Mustang made a surprise announcement at the office.

"I've decided not to make you all work through Christmas." he said.

"Thanks sir!" the soldiers said happily.

"Instead, I'm putting you all on vacation will no pay."

"Fuck."

* * *

Ok, that's the Christmas chapter. -Kisses Ed under the mistletoe-

By the way, I love Bakura, he is my absolute favorite on Yugioh.

I think Envy was a little OC, but oh well...

I hope you all had a very merry holiday...


	11. WTF? Whimbleton Typhoon Fragert?

I'm sure you'll all love this.

Many many thanks to my reviewers, without you guys, there wouldn't be much point to this, would there?

**WTF? Wimbledon Typhoon Fragert?**

**The Special Edition Chapter!**

**The Reviewers Are Heard!**

**Brought To You Before A Live Studio Audience!**

**The Chapter With Way Too Many Names!**

"Hello everyone! I'm Kagome from Inuyasha..., just kidding, I'm Amaya, a character of 'You People Are Joking Right?'.", Amaya said as she waved to her reviewers and fans. She, Ed, and Al were sitting in plush armchairs in front of a fireplace in front of a live studio audience. (actually it was a bunch of naked mannequins they stole from the strip joint down the street with a few scattered fans, a shady guy selling drugs and liquor near the front door, and some old guy who was getting a little too friendly with one of the mannequins.)

Ed was a little nervous about being this close to crazed fangirls. He couldn't even remember how Amaya had convinced him to do this. Maybe it had something to do with that thing she had slipped into their drinks. All he knew was to go along with it and hope to any gods out there that they wouldn't be able to remember this.

"Me, Ed, and Al are here to read the reviewers comments! Every ten chapters, we will make a funny skit using the weirdest and funniest reviews we have ever gotten.", Amaya explained, "And I can't wait to do this, how about you guys?", she asked, giving them a look that suggested that if they went against her they would be digging their own graves out front.

"Yeah, we agree too. Totally excited." Al said nervously. Ed looked like he was going to pass out.

Amaya turned in her chair and winked to a burly security guard standing by the back doors, blocking their only exit. She then whispered to them, "If you two try to escape, I will convey my unhappiness to him with a series of grunts and whistles. And then he'll convey my unhappiness to you by beating the shit out of you. Got it?" she asked.

They both nodded; that guy really did look like he could actually kill them.

"Let's start off with our first comment! This one says..."

**That. Was. One. Of. The. Most. Hilarious. Things. I have seen in my entire life. YOU ROCK!**

**Maiwyn Hearts**

"Yes. It. Is. Thank. You. For. Replying." Al said, wondering if this person had a speech impediment.

"What. The. Hell. Al?" Ed asked.

"WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING?" Amaya asked. Roy Mustang suddenly burst through the front doors.

"I got here as quick as I could, my Screaming Midget and Geeks senses were tingling." Roy huffed as he stopped for a moment to catch his breath. The drug dealer started edging toward him, pulling some weed from under his jacket. Roy gave him a look that said, "If I was on duty today, I'd through your ass in jail. Now quick, give me a bag before the others find out."

"Look, just take a seat in the audience; we're kind of in the middle of something." Amaya said. Ed and Al started trying to send him a sign to show Mustang that they were being held there against their will, but Roy didn't seem to notice as he tried to sit down between two particularly positioned naked mannequins.

"Let's just move on to the next comment, shall we?"

**Ah, that's frightening. I'm a fangirl this Halloween, but a Mary Sue would be fun (if at all possible)**

**Steeple 333**

Ed suddenly perked up. "Oh god...is Mary Sue here?"

"No Nisan, relax, she isn't here. She threw herself out of a window and was then dumped in a lake, remember?" Al reminded him.

"Huh? Oh yeah..."

**-gigglefit- insane**

**Freddo the Amoeba**

"What the hell is an Amoeba?" Ed asked.

"Beats me..." Al shrugged.

"Maybe its one of those new cars or something..." Ed suggested.

**You are on crack. But I love it. XD**

**Cree**

"What is with these people and their obsession with crack and swearing?" Ed asked.

Al was about to point out that no one had sweared in their reviews yet and crack was only mentioned just now, but Amaya then said,

"Maybe if they weren't on crack, they wouldn't have such fuckin' dirty mouths. Their parents really need to be washing kids who talk shit like that out with some soap. Hopefully that really pissy kind that will make you volatile sick..."

They both stared at her.

"What?"

**tries to find the keyboard in the dark I can't type! no room, keyboard is trapped! that was a great chapter! hahaha...al was acting emo!**

**Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1**

"Isn't an 'emu' some kind of large ostrich bird or something? When were you acting like one of them Al?" Ed asked.

Al and Amaya both smacked themselves while Ed conjured up mental images of Al acting like an "emu" They weren't pretty, I can tell you that...

**WTF! I just noticed that you had this fifth chapter up! smacks head I'm such a doofus! LOL! This one was good too, heh. I once inserted myself in a fanfic just because I could, and strangely, a whole lot of people liked it! LOL! I suppose it's because I wasn't planning on making Ed fall in love with me, which I'd told them in an author note, heh. shrugs I don't know. I commit the taboo of self-insertion, and they love it! Go figure, LOL. Most of my stories aren't like that though. I tend to prefer weird, bizarre, supernatural-type stories, for some odd reason, hehe. It's fun. Anyway, this is still really good. Please update soon!**

**agent000**

"Hey Amaya, what does LOL mean? And WTF?" Al asked.

"This person used it like 3 times in this whole paragraph..." Ed pointed.

"Oh that? WTF means... Whimbleton Typhoon Fragert, and LOL means...uh...Lick Oliver Love", Amaya made up off the top of her head.

"Is Oliver Love some celebrity or something?" Ed asked.

"Yeah...sure..."

**Wow, you really did your homework on the "Amaya" & "Night Rain" thing... I give your deserved props on that!**

**Kiarra-Chan**

"Wait a second..." Ed said as he started to read that comment again, but Amaya suddenly tore it up into little pieces and threw it into the fire.

"You heard nothing fanfic whores!"

**Simply. You. Are. A. Genius.**

**Bramblerose4**

"Does everyone have a speech impediment or something? Gods, speak in a complete sentence, or don't speak at all!" Ed said angrily. There was a loud crash up near the top of the audience. The old man from earlier and one of the mannequins were in a certain position that I dare not describe and let your imagination pick up from there as you say to yourself, "that guy obviously doesn't get around much if he has to resort to that"

"Right...moving on..."

**Good, good, now do crossovers**

**getuo6**

"I'm getting to it; you'll see...you'll see damnit!!!"

No need to tell you who said that...-coughsjackassescough-

**PHTAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!  
OMFG!that-haha was so-hahaha freaking hilarious!! and i can just see it happening! envy and wrath getting drunk was my fav,sniker then making out with inanimate objects...a real palm tree...GENIUS! i think this is my favorite chappie! congrats!**

**Pink Ikawa 001**

"...Remind me never to invite her over for New Years, I think that her laugh will scare everyone away...maybe even Envy", Amaya said after a moment.

"By the way, why didn't we do a New Year chapter?" Al asked.

"We all got so drunk we could barely see and we were found lying outside in the Big Lots parking lot wearing nothing but cardboard boxes and tin foil hats, remember? And the massive hangover that followed after?" Amaya reminded them.

"Oh god, don't bring that up again. It's not my fault that my drunken self thought Aliens did all their evil conspiracy stuff at Big Lots..." Ed sighed.

Two of the guests suddenly ran off, both wearing Big Lots uniforms. "Damnit, he's onto us! Back to the mother ship!"

"Ok..."

**It's been a while since I read this fic. Anyway, Loved It! Can't wait for more, so on and so forth.**

**CatsEyeFlashlight**

"Hey Amaya, isn't that your cat Catty over there?" Ed suddenly pointed. They turned to see a big brown and black striped phat cat (yes, I said PHAT cat) suddenly jump down and come to them.

"Is that your cat? Ooh...tell it I said _hey._" Al said. They turned to stare at it as her cat jumped up on her lap.

"Are you hitting on my cat!?" she asked.

"No, of course not!" Al said quickly. After a moment...

"It is a female cat, right?"

"MOVING ON..."

(The cat mysteriously vanished sometime while they talk and they don't bother to notice, creating a huge plothole that leaves the readers with unanswered questions. Or not.)

**love the gangsta touch, good job, I hope you continue soon**

**Sliferservent**

(response to this one was all three of them doing a gansta snap, including Mustang, which accidentally made one of the mannequins catch on fire and it caught the one the old man was doing sordid things with on fire as well...)

**Can you give me a cameo?**

**Billy Everyteen (Oh for gods sake, he isn't real)**

"Interesting question. We now go to a live video feed of Billy Everyteen as we give him a small couple of seconds for a cameo. Billy?" she asked as they turned to a screen that just happened to be on the wall behind them. ("This fanfic doesn't make any fuckin' sense!!!" Ed cursed)

"OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. ME, ON MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FANFIC! I WILL GO DOWN IN HISTORY! AND MAYBE MY MOM WILL STOP CHOOSING MY CLOTHES FOR ME FOR NOW ON, AND I...", but Billy couldn't continue his rant as a stolen prison bus driven by Envy came down the road and smacked into him, causing everyone to go "HOLY FUCK!"

Billy lay twitching on the ground. Envy suddenly came back, got out of the bus, and stood over him. After a long minute, Envy then shot him for good measure to make sure that he was dead before hopping back on the bus and driving off like a maniac (he later caused 15 car accidents, backed up traffic for a whole 4 hours, and killed all the nuns that chased after them with their school rulers as he yelled, "Take this, Da Vinci Code!", which honestly makes no fricken sense to me...)

"At least I can cross off 'Watch someone get hit by a bus' off the things to do before I die." Amaya said as the screen flipped off. (AN: ANYONE ELSE WANT A CAMEO? HUH? DIDN'T THINK SO!!!)

"We have time for one final review!"

**XD nice! I take it that someone's watched Yugioh: The Abridged Series?**

**Aiko Moonchild**

The front doors suddenly burst open. "Amaya Marie Elizabeth Kinra Another-Made-Up-Middle-Name-I-Can't-Remember Illusion, your under arrest!", called out a cop as he showed off his badge.

"Yes! We're finally getting out of here Al! We're saved!" Ed cheered.

"Actually kid, we're arresting her for getting ideas through Little Kuriboh's movies. A 315..."

"Failure to clean up after a dog when walking it?"

"No, I said 315, not 351. Unoriginality." he answered as he started dragging Amaya off.

"Damn the justice system! I will get you all, I swear it!!" she pledged.

No one really cared about her being pulled out as Ed and Al escaped, Roy and that old guy somehow got involved with two mannequins, and that drug dealer went on to sell and make the best crack ever, only to be shot to death a few moments later by the drug police.

And Envy killed a bunch more people by hitting people with the prison buses' electric batons. Everybody wins!

...Except for the Canadians who had it too good for too damn long

(Just kidding on that last one)

* * *

Wow...I think that was the longest chapter ever...

THANK YOU ALL!!!

Happy 100 something reviews, I kind of wasn't really paying attention.

R&R everyone!


	12. Are You Suggesting That I'm Fat?

I know. I'm **way **overdue with this one. Valentines was last week, but I couldn't use my computer to write the chapters.

I don't own FMA. Happy extremely late Valentines Day...

**Are You Suggesting That I'm Fat?**

The air around Central headquarters was thick and intense. It was Valentine's Day, and many of the male and female soldiers were anxious about any secret admirers that were lurking around. (Of course, most of the female soldiers were stalking Roy Mustang all day, but who cares about him?) For one short blond alchemist, he wasn't as nervous or anything. He never really was into the Valentine's festivities. But that didn't mean that he didn't get gifts or anything. Sometimes he would get letters from creepy fangirls declaring their undying love to him. These were all burned. (AN: Sorry fangirls...)

So as he was lounging around in his and Al's hangout room, tossing fangirl letters into a fireplace nearby, Amaya suddenly came into the room. She was fiddling with something behind her back, looking somewhat nervous.

"What's the matter Amaya?" Alphonse asked from his place in the room.

"Uhh...I have a gift for you guys. Happy Valentine's Day." she said as she held out a blue rose to both of them. She had apparently used alchemy to change the color of the rose to blue. Ed took it from her, twirling it between his gloved fingers.

"Uhh...thanks." he muttered, tilting his head to one side to look at it. After a moment, he stood up.

"Actually, I have a gift for you too." he said, which made Amaya look happy and made Al look at Ed suspiciously.

Truthfully, Ed had no gift for her and had not intended to get her one. Then again, this might be one way to get rid of the gifts the fangirls sent him. He turned around and looked away and went through the pile of abandoned gifts. He picked up a black jacket; apparently one a fangirl sent hoping to make him look more goth. He held it out to her.

"Here you go. Happy Valentine's Day." he smiled. Amaya took it from him, feeling a little confused. After staring at it for a long moment...

"Ed..." she started to say, her voice dangerously low.

"Yeah Amaya?"

"This jacket is for males...and it's a size smaller than me."

Ed sweatdropped. "Uhh, well I...maybe it'll start to fit you if you loose some weight..."

Al smacked himself in the face. Ed may have been "hot" by girl standard, but he was extremely tactless when it came to woman.

"Are you suggesting that I'm fat?" she said, looking extremely angry.

"No, I didn't say that..."

"Yes you did!"

"...I'm sorry! Uhh..." he looked around, to see if there was something to make her stop being angry. He picked up a box of chocolates.

"Don't be angry...I got you these as well!" he said. But Amaya now looked angrier.

"And now you want me to get even fatter!?! Your horrible Ed!" she huffed as she stormed out, taking the coat with her. Al suddenly whistled.

"Smooth Brother...smooth..."

Al suddenly found himself missing a helmet and having to leave to go outside to find where Ed had thrown it from the window.

* * *

Amaya was walking down a hallway when she suddenly collided into Roy Mustang. He seemed to have been trying to hide from his many fangirl female soldiers.

"Sorry. Hey, I heard your shouting match you had with Ed earlier." Mustang commented, a smirk on his face. "I knew he wasn't good with girls, unlike the incredibly sexy Flame Alchemist..." Roy said, posing in a very sexy pose. Amaya rolled her eyes and pointed down the hallway.

"Look, fangirls!"

"Where?!?" Mustang asked, looking around as he ducked into a closet to avoid the fangirls that streamed by. Amaya smirked before walking off to find Ed. Roy meanwhile had other troubles to attend to...

"...Havoc? Fuery? What the hell are you two doing in this closet?!?...Oh god...OH GOD!!...I'm trapped, the closet's locked. Hello? SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!"

* * *

Ed turned the rose around between his fingers in silence. He was sitting on the roof of the headquarters. He was somewhat angry with himself for getting Amaya mad.

"...Ed."

He turned around to see Amaya standing there. She was wearing the black coat. Amaya walked over and sat next to him.

"I found out that you're not good with talking to girls. And I figured out you would be up here."

"Who told you that? Al? He's going to pay for telling you my secret spot..."

"Actually, Mustang was the one who told me that. Point is..."

Amaya fingered the coat's trimmings. "It may be kind of small for me, but it's nice, even if you didn't truly get it."

"What do you mean?" Ed asked.

"Think about it. Male black coat for shortys. It had to be a fangirl that sent it to you."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORTY!!!" Ed yelled like he usually does. Amaya laughed just as Mustang burst in through the door Amaya used to get to the roof.

"No screaming Ed! For gods sake, I heard you on the other side of the building!" Mustang said, pointing a finger at Ed.

"Tell me Mustang, how did you get out of that closet?" Amaya asked, smirking slightly.

"Wasn't easy, I'll tell you that. Having to sit there watching the two of them go at each other. Didn't even seem to care that I was watching...eventually Hawkeye came along and got me out." Mustang explained. Ed looked like he was about to ask who were the two people in the closet, but then a huge high pitched screech went off in the air.

"Damn, it's the fangirls!" Mustang said, and with that said, he dived off the roof. Amaya shook her head.

"The call of the fangirls. A ghastly sound it is..." she muttered. She turned back to Ed before standing up.

"By the way, that rose isn't just any ordinary blue rose. If you noticed, it has a small pearl in the center. It shows you who you're in love with. I don't care what you do with it. Well, I'll be going now. See ya." she said as she left before Ed could ask any questions. Ed looked into the pearl, which looked like it was filled with white smoke. This meant that he had no idea who he was really in love with anyway.

But then, he delicately ripped off a petal and started tossing them off the side of the building.

"Loves me...loves me not...loves me...loves me not..."

He kept this up for a moment until there was only one petal left on the shriveled flower. He was about to pluck it, but then he stopped, realizing what the last petal meant. Instead, he walked over to the side of the building and tossed the flower over the side, where it fell into a puddle nearby, only one bright blue petal left on it. The pearl was still attached, and the smoke was starting to dissipate to form an inky black outline.

* * *

Meanwhile, Mustang was running away from thousands and thousands of fangirls. Many of them were cosplaying Roy, Ed, and even a few Riza's.

"We love you Roy!"

"We'll bear your children!!"

Mustang ran as fast as he could, and as he was running, he screamed. "This is ridiculous! It happens every fricken year!"

Envy suddenly appeared, running alongside him. "Same here. And I'm not even supposed to be in this chapter!"

Al, who had found his helmet, put it on in time to watch Envy and Roy run past with their fangirls in hot pursuit. Al shook his head as he headed home.

"This chapter sucked!"

* * *

I'm sorry for not updating this last week with the valentines chapter. My beloved computer isn't working and I have to borrow someone else's computer.

It's not as funny as usual, as you might be thinking, and honestly, I've been having a rough time at school, and almost all the funny and laughs are dried out of me. But then again, all I have to do is get into a conversation with my weird friends and by the time I go home, I've already got material for humor...

Incase your wondering why there are no fangirls going after Ed and Al, I didn't feel like writing them in. Let's just figure it as a restraining order plot hole.

Thank you so much for 3640 hits everybody!

R&R! I promise to try to update this fanfic more!!


	13. That's What She Said

Hey hey hey! It's another chapter!

Very very informative chapter as to things that might happen in the future...

I don't own FMA

**That's What She Said...**

_Some number of years into the future..._

A few people were pacing back and forth. Most them were either cosplaying anime/videogame characters or wearing jeans and black tee-shirts. One of them, a boy with black hair and purple amethyst eyes, checked his watch. The watch face was a Chibi Ed with its hands pointing at what time it was.

3:00 p.m.

"What the _hell _is taking her so damn long?" he grumbled as his eyes swept the others. He seemed to be the leader of the group, as he was wearing a black cloak as well as a black tee-shirt and jeans. A lame attempt to appear badass in some of their opinions, but it wasn't wise to cross him. His hair style was similar to that of Envy's because of the way it fanned out like a palm tree. One of the other teens, a kid cosplaying Naruto from...well, Naruto, came up to him.

"Have faith Eldest Leader, she has to be here soon with a report."

The "Leader" snorted. "Yeah right. Sister Night Rain is deciding to shirk and do nothing as usual, taking advantage of being in their universe."

There was suddenly a small pop noise near his right side as a girl with white hair swept over. Her yellow eyes made the Naruto kid immediately back off. The boy turned to the new arriver, who was dressed exactly like the other, and was also wearing a cloak.

"Sister Every Heart."

"Brother Shadow Ghost."

"Greeting acknowledged. What news do you have?" Shadow asked.

"It seems that Night Rain is still conducting a heavy report and won't be back for some time. Sister Deadly Misery feels that we should proceed with the plan."

"Not yet. The plan won't work until Night Rain is done with her report. We wait."

"But Brother..."

"**We wait**." he said firmly.

The two of them stood for a moment to look around at the others in the room. It was their active duty as the leaders of the fans of 2007 to remain calm. There were four of them. Every Heart, who was the expert on demons. Deadly Misery, the expert on ninjas. And then there was Night Rain Illusion, expert on alchemy.

Then there was Shadow Ghost, the leader of the four. He had a better handle on all three fields of research, plus some magic that he picked up on other anime universes. The three girls had automatically elected him as leader, as he was definitely commanding. He swept his amethyst eyes back to Every.

"What have you discovered so far?" he asked.

"It seems that our tampering with the universes is causing our dilemma. And the fanfiction as well. When Subject 'EdElricChibiNotShort004' accidentally tore a hole in the space time continuum and dropped the computer in it, it caused the universes to twist a little so that it would be possible for fanfiction to actually occur, instead of being acted out on our imaginations. Sure, absolute power and all, but if something's not done, the universes might actually start melding together."

"You mean..."

"Exactly what we fear sir."

Shadow Ghost looked up at the ceiling. "Cro-"

"Not here sir. Not in front of the others."

"Right, sorry. Usually that's a cool thing, but if the people in those universes actually do meet each other, chaos would unfold."

"Exactly. That's why we sent Night Rain to the Fullmetal's universe. She's a bigger expert on that particular fandom and she felt that she would make sure things were handled. It seems that it's also where the computer ended up in. They have discovered us."

"I heard. They think it's just a big joke."

"If only they knew. We'll just have to wait until Night Rain sends her report. At the moment, she's under the alias "Amaya Illusion" and in disguise, even though it's probably unneeded."

"I see..."

The two stood in silence before Shadow suddenly turned to Every.

"By the way..."

"Yes Brother?"

"Why are you acting so calm and stuff? Usually it's Deadly Misery that talks like that. You're usually the screwy one that tries to get that guy that's cosplaying as Sasuke to kiss that other kid who's cosplaying Naruto, or off in the Yugioh realm trying to set Yami Bakura up with Night Rain."

"Ritalin and Prozac is a dangerous combination sir."

"I see..."

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the present of the FMA Universe_

"I can't believe that Mustang went and..."

"Yeah I know..."

Ed and Al were discussing how Mustang had finally evaded his fangirls by tripping Envy and letting the fangirls get him. Amaya sat in the corner, watching them over the rim of a newspaper that had an article and bold headlines that read, "**Homicide. 5 million fangirls slain. No one feels sorry at all about it"**

The picture even had Envy quoting, "It had to be done, and I figured it might as well be me."

"Huh, did you notice how the picture of the dead fangirls? It looked like a 3 foot long sandwich.", Al said as he pointed at a picture of a 3 foot long distance of fangirls smooshed together like a sandwich.

"It's not very long..." Ed shrugged.

"That's what she said."

The two brothers turned to see Amaya looking at the newspaper. They ignored it for the second.

"Hey, let's go annoy Mustang!" Ed suggested.

"Yeah, we can start shouting like we usually do."

"Yeah, he'll come out real fast..."

"That's what she said."

"Excuse me?" Ed asked as he looked over at Amaya.

"Nothing. Continue."

"Anyway, he's too thick for this to realize that it's a trap..."

"That's what she said..."

"What are you talking about?" Ed asked as he looked over at Amaya. Amaya sighed.

"I said, 'that's what she said', ok?"

"What does that mean anyway?" Al asked.

"Can't say."

"Why not?"

"Can't."

"Can so."

"Can not."

This continued on unto Al reminded Ed about annoying Mustang. Al hated to admit it, but he actually did enjoy annoying Mustang.

"Ok, but I swear, if I'm interrupted again, a certain _someone_ will find that they won't be going home in one piece tonight..." Ed muttered dangerously.

"That's what sh-"

"Amaya!"

"Will someone please explain that?" Al asked. Amaya sighed.

"Fine. You use it to add innuendo after someone says something that could be taken sexually." she explained.

"Oh...OH..." Ed said after realizing what he was saying earlier. Amaya rolled her eyes.

"You guys are such bakas!"

"That's what she said!"

Amaya and Al stared at Ed. "Ed...That made absolutely no fricken sense!" Amaya hissed.

"Whoops, sorry..."

"Anyway, let's go and annoy Mustang like we said we would before!" Al whined.

"Mustang is in his office." Amaya said as they were about to leave the room.

"That's what she said?" Ed asked.

"No, no no no, YOU CAN'T DO IT! Don't EVER attempt that again, that was atrocious. I swear to Ra if you ever say that again..."

The door suddenly swung open and smacked Amaya hard in the face, to reveal Roy Mustang.

"My shouting sense tingled. I wanted to hear the rest of Amaya's shouting match." Mustang said while Amaya was rubbing her nose.

"Go to hell..." she muttered.

"That's what she said..."

"ED!!!"

* * *

There's the end of the chapter for ya. Some info about later on in the future and a little joke at the end.

I'm pretty sure I'm using "that's what she said" correctly.

R&R everyone!


	14. Breaking The Fourth Wall

I decided to time this chapter for Saint Patrick's Day...Yay...

Sorry for shortness...Blame Ed...He demanded that the chapter should be short so that he doesn't feel insecure about his height.

Envy: NRI doesn't own Full Metal Alchemist. Now go to hell you damn mortals!

**Breaking The Fourth Wall**

Something was very wrong today.

Well, more wrong than it usually is.

Amaya had shown up at headquarters, decked out entirely in green instead of her usual black. Green sweatshirt, green sweatpants, green shoes, hell, even green highlights in her hair. Several gold charms were hanging off her clothes and some had symbols like a 7, a penny, a rabbit's foot (Al: Those poor little rabbits!!) and a few other trinkets here and there.

Ed and Al stared at her, mouths gaped open.

"What do you think?" Amaya asked. "I look great for St. Patrick's Day..."

"It's another holiday?" Ed asked.

"Yep. We have loads of holidays where I come from."

"So what are you celebrating?" Al asked.

"I'm not really sure. It's just some holiday where everybody wears green and those that don't get pinched." Amaya said, in which she reached over and pinched Ed's left arm.

"Ouch!"

"See how much fun it is?"

"For you maybe..." Ed muttered as he rubbed his arm.

"Hey, let me try..." Al said as he reached over to Ed and pinched his right arm, but what happened next no one expected.

"ARRRGH!!"

"Oh my God Al, I think you snapped his arm in half!" Amaya gasped as she quickly looked away.

"I'm so sorry Ed!" Al yelped.

"OH.MY.GAWD.", Amaya yelled.

Al ran out of the room screaming something about Ed having a broken arm and vanilla milkshakes, which they decided not to question. After Al had left, Ed rolled his right sleeve up.

"All he did was merely snap my automail; I don't know what you two were screaming about..." Ed muttered as he snapped it back in place. The room was really quiet.

"Think we should tell Al that there's nothing to worry about?" Amaya asked after realizing that it wasn't his real arm that Al had pinched.

"Hmm...We should...but Havoc and Fury made a delicious chocolate cake..."

"Ed!"

"But cake!"

"...Alright, first cake, then finding Al...I'm sure that he's fine..." Amaya sighed. If there was anything in the world that could distract Ed from his brother, it was cake. The two went over to a large chocolate cake decked out in chocolate icing and chips. Both of them had watering mouths.

"Amaya, I think I'm in love..." he muttered. Amaya glared at him, but Ed didn't seem to notice or care. He cut himself a rather large piece.

"Ed, you practically took the whole cake!" Amaya pouted.

"Snooze you loose." Ed said as he started to take a bite out of it. Amaya reached over and used her finger to go down the side of his piece so that she could get some of the icing.

"Amaya!"

"Snooze you loose." Amaya smirked as she licked her finger.

"Jerk..."

"Call me whatever you want, but I'm taking your cake." Amaya said as she snatched his cake away from him and ran away from him.

"Give me my cake back or else!" Ed shouted as he chased after her.

"Or else what?" Amaya shouted over her shoulder. Ed clapped his hands and placed them against the wall. A stone pillar came out and tripped her, causing her to drop the plate of cake, which Ed quickly grabbed.

"Damn you Ed!"

"That's what you get for stealing my cake!" Ed smirked triumphantly.

"That's it Ed, you are so getting a death note!" Amaya threatened. Ed faltered for a second.

"What's a death note?"

"...No idea." Amaya admitted.

"...What were we doing again?" Ed asked as he ate his cake.

"I'm not sure, but I think we forgot something..."

"Maybe it was a sexy party..." Ed suggested.

"Why would we have forgotten a sexy party?" Amaya asked.

"You never know what the hell Envy slips in those drinks." Ed said before shuddering. "Remember those drinks he gave us at Dante's birthday party? Next thing we knew we were at a strip club dancing the Ghetto Booty dance..."

"Oh god, don't remind me of that night." Amaya said with a shake of her head. "Poor Al was so traumatized that he nearly scratched his blood seal off. Good thing his arms were already strapped down..."

"Hey, wasn't there something involving Al that we should of done?"

"Maybe it involved making Roy slam his face into a door." Amaya suggested.

"Didn't that happen to you in the last chapter?" Ed asked, but Amaya gave him a hard look.

"Ed, your breaking the fourth wall!"

"That's not breaking a fourth wall, this is!" Ed said as he took a table nearby and smashed it into the wall where the door was. The wall crumbled to reveal the hall where soldiers were standing with their mouths open at the carnage. Roy rushed over to the wall where the only thing standing was the door. Roy opened it to look around instead of just looking through the wall. Roy stared at Ed wielding the table.

"...Whoa, somebody got raped today." he said loud enough for them to hear him as he shut the door. The door promptly fell over as he walked away whistling. A vein pulsed in Ed's forehead.

"COME BACK HERE MUSTANG!" Ed yelled as he ran after Mustang. Amaya stayed behind as she taped her foot on the ground.

"I still think that there's something we forgot..."

* * *

Al was standing on the roof of a building. There didn't seem to be any way to get down. Al looked around over the rim of the railing.

"Umm...hello? Anybody out there? I need help getting down...Somebody there?"

A cricket chirped nearby as night started to fall.

"Please?"

* * *

And there you have it! Happy St. Patricks (Truthfully, I'm not sure on what the actual date is)

Envy: This chapter almost had nothing to do with St. Patricks!

...Who let you out of the closet!?

Envy: Yami Bakura and Gaara. We're going out drinking in a moment. You're coming too...

Dear god no...

Envy: Prepare for my special drink, I daresay that your "Ghetto Booty" dance is quite entertaining...

-Whimpers in fear-

Envy: My favorite part of St. Patricks: Getting Drunk and making NRI miserable...

-Sobs in the corner before getting dragged out-

R&R everyone!


	15. Where's My Boxcutter?

Finally! A chapter making fun of actual fanfiction! This one makes fun of Pride and angstyness!

Sorry for Ed Chibi shortness...I was really busy and I couldn't make this too long...I think it was about a page and a half or so...

I am not doing an Easter chapter. My reason being that it's a holiday about Jesus rising up from the dead and it's not exactly a light topic.

However, I will have this chocolate bunny with its ears missing do the disclaimer. In case you're wondering, Envy was the one who ate his ears off.

Bunny: What? I can't hear anything...did you say that Envy ate my rear off? Disturbing thought...oh, and Night Rain Illusion doesn't own Full Metal Alchemist...

**Where's My Boxcutter?**

"Has anyone seen Ed? He's been missing for about a week now." Al announced. No one even looked up from what they were doing. He clicked his tongue loudly, which seemed to grab everyone's attention.

"Sorry Al, I haven't seen him. Last time I saw him was when he said that he spotted Envy at a warehouse." Amaya spoke up.

"Maybe Envy killed him." shrugged Mustang, who had been passing by. Al teared up at the possibility.

"My poor Brother...gone before his time..." he sobbed. Amaya raised an eyebrow.

"You're acting like as if they already found his body."

"Ed, why did you have to die?" he continued sobbing, ignoring Amaya completely. She glared at Mustang before walking out of the room, but then she bumped into someone.

"Watch where your going, stupid mortal." the person said harshly. Amaya nearly fainted at seeing who it was.

"Ed, there you are!" she hugged him tightly. But then she let go to look him over.

"...Where the hell did you get the tattoos?"

Indeed, Ed was now dressed like Envy, the parts of his body that were exposed now had red spirals and other shapes tattooed across his body. He shrugged indifferently.

"So where have you been?"

No answer.

"Why are you dressed like that?"

No answer.

"Any particular reason why you are mute now?"

No answer.

"Are you gay?"

"Screw you."

Ah, there was an answer, an appropriate one at that. Ed pushed past her. "Now if you excuse me, I need to raid your CD collection and find your Evanescence, Avril Lavienge, and Linkin Park CDs, then go grab a boxcutter from Mustang's desk, then proceed to write some depressing poems about some skirt named Kelly."(AN: Those with the name Kelly out there, don't take offence to that, I was just pulling names out of my head)

Questions were swimming through Amaya's head. How did he know about her Linkin Park CDs? (Not that she was emo or anything) Why did Mustang have a boxcutter in his desk? And who the hell was Kelly?

"Ed..."

"My name's not Ed anymore, it's Pride. I changed it to make it sound more Emo."

"You're a regular angst bucket, you know that?"

"Whatever.", he shrugged as he entered the room where Al was. Al didn't even notice that Ed, now christened Pride, had entered the room, as Al was too busy crying about his dead brother.

"Yo tin can, you can stop crying now." Pride said from his corner of the room, twirling a boxcutter between his fingers.

"It's almost like as if I can hear his voice..." Al sighed. Amaya smacked herself in the face.

"Al, your brother is alive."

"Really?" Al asked, hope becoming apparent in his expression.

"Yeah. He's just gone emo now."

"Then he's better off dead!" Al sobbed louder now. Amaya looked over to where "Pride" was. Pride was currently banging his head against the closed door.

"Angst...angst...angst...angst..." he muttered every time his head connected with the door. A loud voice answered from the other side of the door.

"I'm too lazy to care about barging in to find out what's going on." Mustang's voice said.

Amaya looked to Al, who was now also banging his head against the wall, muttering the word "Emo" under his breath. Pride had flipped on "Crawling in My Skin" by Linkin Park to add to his head banging.

"All we need is a dead kitten and this emo angst fest would be complete." she said aloud. The two brothers were too busy banging their heads against the wall to even hear her. After a minute of watching, she shrugged.

"What the hell..." she said as she too started banging her head against the wall, muttering "Apathy" under her breath. Envy strode into the room to look around at everyone banging their heads against the wall.

"Hey angsters, I brought some black eyeliner. Now we can really have some angsting going on in here!" he said.

He hated to admit it, but he loved angsting parties. Even if this wasn't a party. If there were people angsting, then he was there.

No one answered him, as everyone was now suffering from head concussions and had passed out on the floor, some of them bleeding from the head. Envy slowly started edging to the door and quickly left, whistling some innocent tune. Mustang strode past, pausing to look inside.

"...I am so not cleaning that up.", he muttered before going to his office. But shortly...

"Where's my boxcutter?"

* * *

And here you go, making fun of angsty or Pride fanfics...slightly...

Ah Apathy...it's what you do...

I hope you all had a happy Easter...

My Spring Break is over...I hate school...

R&R everyone!


	16. Think of the Children!

And I'm back to updating this fanfic. This idea just suddenly popped into my mind, so I decided to make this into a chapter.

A very short innuendo filled chapter...want to take a guess as to what this "forbidden act" is? You will probably be wrong...

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist.

**Think of the Children!**

Roy Mustang signed another random paper without even reading it. He was sure it was just business regulations and other junk like that. Nothing to really concern himself over. As he was about to sign a petition to turn the State's motto into, "Tastes Just Like Chicken", the phone next to him rang. He picked up the phone as he set his pen down.

"Hello?"

"Colonel, you're not going to believe this..." Havoc's voice greeted him.

"Depends. What is it?"

"It...It's inhuman! This is so wrong on so many levels..."

"Damnit Havoc, what's going on?"

"Just come outside and take a look. I'd meet you there, but...uhh...me and Fuery..."

"If you finish that sentence, I will fire you. Got that?"

"Yes sir."

Roy Mustang slammed the phone down, but he was indeed curious as to what the call was about. And he had a strange suspicion that Ed and Al would be involved. He picked up his phone again and dialed the speed dial for Maes Hughes. He drummed his fingers on the counter as he waited for Hughes to pick up. When he got the dial tone, he hung up and called Riza.

"Hawkeye."

"Yes Colonel?"

"Where's Hughes? He isn't answering his phone."

"I believe he's outside. Why?"

Remembering what Havoc told him, he gulped.

"Hawkeye."

"Yes Colonel?"

"Where are Ed and Al?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't heard from them all day. I'm surprised though. Usually you're slamming their door open to tell them to stop yelling, but it looks like it's been really peaceful all day. Maybe their outside with Hughes?"

"Thanks.", he answered weakly before hanging up. He quickly stood and headed out the door to go outside. He had a bad feeling about this.

* * *

"I...I can't believe it."

Roy had gone outside and found himself watching the strangest thing he had ever seen. What was stranger was that Ed, Al, and Amaya were watching Hughes partake in this...event, with captivated interest.

"Hughes, you of all people...why?" Mustang asked him.

"What's the matter Roy, never did this before?" Hughes laughed at his shocked face. Ed turned to Mustang and smirked.

"Just because you can't do it doesn't mean everyone else doesn't do it.", he told him.

"Full Metal, I expected something better from you than to watch...this!" Mustang gestured toward Hughes's act.

"Well, I thought it was strange too, but now it looks kind of cool." Ed shrugged as he turned back to watch Hughes. Mustang turned to Al.

"Al, talk some since into your brother, will you?"

Al shook his head. "Sorry Colonel, but I agree. It looks fun. Maybe I could do it too!" he said excitedly.

"But your current condition prevents you from...this." Mustang finished lamely.

Ed glared at him. "Just because Al doesn't have a racket doesn't mean he can't do it. I'll just get him one like Hughes's."

Seeing that he was losing this argument, he tried to get to Hughes moral side. "Hughes, think of the children! Their too young to see this! What about your wife and daughter? What would they think if they saw you doing this?"

"Well, Gloria threw her back out, so now she's not as good as this as she used to be. Elyssia is a bit too young for this and she may not be able to hold her own, but it will be a happy day when she is old enough and takes after her father. But you know, it's just as fun doing it by yourself." Hughes shrugged.

Mustang shuddered before turning to Amaya. "What about you?"

"Are you kidding me? I love this! Back where I come from, this is our country's national sport!" she said excitedly.

"They turned..._this_...into a national sport!?!" Mustang shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you people? Don't any of you know that this is wrong! You shouldn't be enjoying it! And this isn't something that you do in public!"

"Look, if you don't like it, then leave. It's less enjoyable if your here to complain." Ed snapped at him.

"Ed's right. You sound like my mother when I'm doing this too. She complains about it..." Hughes told Roy.

"I can see why..."

"She keeps telling me that my backstroke is too weak and that my grandmother could do better than this." Hughes finished, leaving a very flabbergasted Roy.

"Hey Hughes, let me in! I bet I will beat you!" Amaya said as she ran over.

"But you don't have a racket."

"Don't worry, I brought my own." she said as she pulled it out. Mustang turned a very blue color as the two started doing the act again. After a moment...

"Ow!"

"Sorry Amaya!"

"It hit me in the eye! You're not very good with your aim, are you?"

"That's what my mother said too."

Mustang promptly fainted as Ed and Al ran over to join in. The four of them spent a good hour or so until everyone was too tired to lift up their "racket".

"Wow...that was the most fun I've ever had." Ed gasped for air.

"You need to improve your aim as well Ed. You don't have to be so hard you know. And Al, you're too soft; you need to be harder on your swing." Hughes told them.

"Don't worry Hughes, we'll learn to improve through more experience." they assured him.

As Ed, Al, and Amaya carefully stepped on Mustang's fingers, Amaya looked back at where Hughes was going solo.

"Who knew that Hughes was a great tennis player?"

* * *

Ha, don't you just love that? I bet you didn't think that it was all about tennis! (Tennis is one of my favorite sports...) Then again, after I said "racket", you might of had some guesses as to what they were really doing...

I know you were thinking about what was happening. All I have to say is that you people have dirty minds...

R&R


	17. There's Something About Edward

Heh, this idea popped into my mind and takes us to making fun of fics of EVERYONE being attracted to Ed.

Ed: ...SAY WHAT!?!

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist...very short, very disturbing chapter...

Ed: Hold up, I'm going to get glomped by EVERYONE in this chapter?

Well not glomped per say...more like sexually assaulted...

Ed: -runs out of room-

Don't worry about him everyone, he'll be fine...

-Loud wailing and crying can be heard-

Uhh...those are the cries of acceptance...

**There's Something About Edward**

There's something about Edward. Not sure what it was, but one faithful day, it seemed like no one could avoid him. It all started out on a normal day. He probably should of saw the signs with the way Havoc and Fuery actually stopped paying attention to each other and watched him walk down the hallway. He probably should of noticed the way that Ross and Sheska stopped a conversation just to watch him proceed down the hall in a very odd trance. He finally became suspicious of the way certain soldiers that he didn't even know the names of would wink when walking past him.

"Hey, Ed."

Ed turned to see Hughes working on a paper in his office. Funny how Hughes was still signing something, but his eyes would never leave Ed's face.

"Could you come in here for a second?"

"Sure..." Ed said as he carefully stepped into the office. He took a moment to notice the really odd slow music playing somewhere in the background and the candles that suddenly became lit upon his entering. Hughes reached into his pocket and started to pull out a picture when Ed put a hand up.

"Uh, if this is about seeing pictures of your daughter, no thanks." he said as he turned to leave.

"It's not a picture of Elyssia. It's of you..."

Ed gawked.

"Maybe you should come over and take a look."

Ed finally had the sense to slowly and carefully back out of the room and shut the door before tearing off down the hallway. He nearly smacked straight into Major Armstrong, who was already shirtless, strangely enough.

"Good to see you Elric!"

"Not now sir, something's really wrong with Hughes, and..." Ed cut off before noticing how close he was to Armstrong and the hallway wall.

"You know, this has been in the Armstrong line for generations." the older and more buff man said as he seemed to step closer. Ed screamed as he ran as far away as he could. Was there anyone left in this building that wasn't acting strange? He burst down the door to Mustang's office. Mustang looked up from his paperwork, surprise lit up on his face.

"You know, it's usually me that bursts your door down instead of the other way around."

"Colonel, something is seriously wrong! Hughes and Armstrong, they were..." Ed started to say, but then Mustang cut him off.

"They're probably just doing their jobs, like how you should. After all, you are a dog of the military..."

Ed blinked. Where in the world was he going with this?

"And as such..." Mustang suddenly grinned as he pulled out a leather dog collar from an inside drawer. Ed immediately turned and ran away as fast as possible. Whatever was going on had gotten to Mustang too! Al...He had to be the only voice of reason in a world gone mad...hopefully...

He barely registered Envy standing in front of him until he smacked into him and fell on his back. He looked up at Envy staring down at him.

"Oy, Chibi-san.", he drawled somewhat sexually.

"What are you doing here?" Ed asked.

"Looking for you of course." he said like as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I wanted to play a new game with you."

Ed jumped up and ran away, ignoring the catcalls made by Envy as he plowed into the room where Al was. Al turned to face him, but before he could say anything, Ed spoke first.

"Al, you're the only one left that I can think of...everyone is suddenly hitting on me..."

"Brother..."

Ed froze. He had just heard the sexual tone in the way his own brother had said that. Ed slowly backed away.

"Dear god Al, not you too..."

"There's nothing wrong with loving your brother Ed."

"Not like that!" Ed shouted at him. Before Al could make another move, Ed ran past him and kicked the window, sending glass shards everywhere. He jumped out onto the fire escape, climbing up to the roof, hoping that there would be no one there. Unfortunately, he was soon met face to face with Amaya.

"Amaya..."

"Here Ed, grab my hand..."

Ed grabbed it as she pulled him up onto the roof. He sighed in relief, but kept his distance from her all the same.

"Please tell me that you're not acting like everyone else." he gasped.

"What do you mean? How is everyone acting?"

"Well, everyone is hitting on me! It's just so messed up!"

"Ed, I don't see a problem with people liking you..." she said calmly. Ed's eyes widened as he turned to the edge of the roof.

"I don't think you should jump."

"Why?" Ed asked.

"Because you might accidentally hurt yourself from falling on those people down there."

Ed looked over the edge and sure enough, thousands of teenage fangirls were swarming the building, squealing out his name. Many were climbing up the building up and onto a roof. They all surrounded him in a corner of the roof, including Amaya, Al, Mustang, Hughes, Armstrong, and Envy, all wearing the same exact insane grin.

"This is what I get for wearing TAG Body Spray for Anime Bishounens today!" he moaned regretfully as all the people swarmed over him...

* * *

**RRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!**

Ed sat up from his bed, looking around wildly. After realizing that he was in his own room, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Thank god, it was only a dream." he said as he turned his alarm clock off. He felt something thick and leathery around his neck. He reached up and pulled on it.

"...If it was a dream...then why am I wearing a dog collar and leash?"

* * *

I hate fics about Ed seeming to have a relationship with every character in the story or of everyone being attracted to him. So here is your chapter on me making fun of that, but in all honesty, I don't think it's very funny for a fic to actually have something like that going on. Avoid stories like that; it's for your own good.

I think we're getting really close to finishing this (Different types, MPREG, and songifcs are left)...and then...

DUN DUN! CROSSOVERS!!!

...or not.

R&R everyone


	18. Toaster Chimeras?

All will partially be explained in this chapter.

I don't own FMA. Just Amaya and random characters and this crack plot.

**Toaster Chimeras?**

"...I'm bored." Edward suddenly announced in the quiet room. Now normally, in most fanfic stories (especially those run by crack authors who should be getting the help they desperately need) something random and exciting happens once the main character states his boredom or disappointment in an issue. Mistaken identity with royal princes anyone?

But this time, absolutely nothing happened. No attacks of squealing fangirls, no random bursting ins of one favorite suave colonel, no Envy's smashing through the windows. The roof didn't cave in, world hunger and world peace were not solved, Christ had not rose from the dead yet, Night Rain Illusion slacked off to the last minute on two projects and an essay and is hurriedly trying to get all this done by Friday, the war in Iraq was still going on, Reno 911 was still showing blundering cops that makes people like Amaya laugh, fanfics were able to be updated with minor cursing and death threats involved, the president made more critical errors, some seniors as a prank glued condoms on the ceiling of a high school before leaving school early for graduation, Naruto shouted his annoying catchphrase "Believe It!" while Sasuke continued to act like the cool emo prick that he is, Night Rain had to replace an anime DVD of .hack with a new one after discovering a crack in it, Harry Potter continued to be the best children's series book on the planet with J.K. Rowling rolling in millions of dollars, fangirls stalked bishounens despite their restraining orders, Yami Bakura was still a sexy beast, Evanescence and Linkin Park still plays terrific gothic songs, and Night Rain started going back to the Catholic church, thankful that she wasn't getting involved in Pagan rituals or becoming a nun to join the convent.

In other words, things were as normal as they should be.

Ed braced himself, waiting for some kind of explosion to happen as if his words triggered a bomb.

Like I have been repeating myself before, nothing happened.

Ed dared himself to repeat his statement. "I said I'm bored..." he said louder than before.

"Look, nothing's going to happen, so stop it already." Amaya sighed from the plush armchair that she was sprawled in. The computer next to her blinked an annoying blue screen. Alphonse was asleep in the corner of the room, or so it seemed anyway. The boredom in the room was thick; if Alphonse suddenly sat up with his own body and memories intact, no one would even notice or bother to question it. ("-Sniffs- Your mean..." Alphonse later retorted after reading this previous sentence)

"Why not? Nothing has happened for over a month." he moaned loudly.

"So?"

"Come on. Ever since we started hanging out with you, are lives are always in mortal peril at least three times a week." Edward pointed out.

"That's not true..."

"Last month we were chased by fangirls, stomped on by a rampaging King Kong, electrocuted by a small pink haired girl called Nyu with a defiblirator after she pumped us full of insulin, thrown through time and somehow became our own great great grandfathers, nearly mauled to death by Godzilla after you beat him in a DDR game...", he counted off his fingers.

"Don't forget that crazy old cat lady who kidnapped you." Alphonse spoke up from his corner of the room.

"Thanks Alphonse for opening old wounds. I'm never going to get the smells of cat urine and fear out of my clothes." Edward glared at the suit of armor.

"Do you want things like that to happen or something?" Amaya raised an eyebrow at him.

"Well no, but I liked the excitement. But now, nothing has happened at all..." he moaned in boredom.

"We didn't even do a chapter for Mother's Day or your birthday Amaya." Alphonse pointed out.

"Well, as you remember, we didn't celebrate Mother's Day because Edward refused to detach himself from the tombstone of your dead mother even though she's walking around right now as a beautiful version of a pile of pus-spewing organs, and my birthday wasn't celebrated since a certain colonel had accidentally pushed me off the roof of the building and gave me amnesia for a week.", Amaya reminded them.

"By the way, that was the best week I ever had." Ed grinned at her.

"You tell anyone about how I told Envy undying love and how I know the waltz and the tango and you'll..."

"Hey chill, I think you're an excellent dancer."

She paused before replying. "You better not be implying anything by that..."

"Of course not. I would never do that." Ed vowed, but then slyly gave Al a thumbs up.

"Because of you though, he now claims me as his personal property." she pouted. Ed thought she heard the words "Sasuke", "Bakura", and "sex muffins" get muttered in her rambling.

Wisely deciding not to ask, he instead addressed the issue at hand. "But why hasn't anything happened at all this month?" he asked.

"Homework, writer's block, church (at this Edward snickered at the idea of Amaya being a devout catholic. He paid for his insolence later by getting smacked around with a wet noodle) projects, Pokemon Diamond, illness, homework..."

"You already said that one."

"...stalking of sexy bishounens, Pirates of the Caribbean 3 claimed my soul, and the annoying blue screen of death is stuck on my computer.", she said as if ignoring him as she jabbed a thumb at the computer next to her.

"Well something better happen, otherwise we'll lose the fans!" Ed whispered fearfully.

Amaya's eyes widened. "Oh shisnit, if we lose the fans, then Fox won't take care of the budget for us anymore..."

While Amaya was worrying, Ed was still comprehending the word "shisnit" and the fact that they were apparently owned by Fox. (By the way, if you are currently being owned by the Fox network, I only have this to say: Repent for your sins while you can.)

Luckily, the colonel burst through the door without usual provocation by three annoying teenagers.

"Quick! Get to the courtyards! Some alchemist pirate named Jack Sparrow combined a toaster, bottles of rum, and a demon together to make a chimera!" Roy ordered them. Ed leapt up from the seat he was in.

"Sweet Jesus, something finally happens! We get attacked by toaster chimeras!" he cheered as he ran out the door. Al and Amaya sighed before hurrying after the not so bored alchemist.

At the end of the day, they learned an important lesson:

Who knew that getting strangled by electrical cords (tails of the toaster chimeras) and getting shot at with burning toast would hurt this much?

* * *

...Yay...I updated...

R&R everyone

-beware of Jack Sparrow and his legions of toaster chimeras. They will steal your soul-


	19. I Think My Water Just Broke!

-pffft hahaha- Couldn't resist updating again. For those waiting on Darkness Within, I want more hits! And I have a bit of a writer's block at the moment anyway, so deal with it.

Sorry for shortness, honestly, I absolutely HATE writing MPREG fanfics or things of that nature, let alone reading them. Not that I care if you like reading or writing them, but just know that you will probably never see me write MPREG fics, so this is about all that your going to get from me. But I did find this chapter funny. But like I said, it's short due to my dislike of MPREG fics.

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. Can you dig it?

**I Think My Water Just Broke!**

_AKA The Shortest Chapter Ever!_

"Ed's been missing for about a week now." Roy sighed loudly. He had come to ask Amaya and Al where Ed was only to find them in the middle of a drinking contest with the girl from the Thanksgiving chapter, Every, who was wearing red robes like Inuyasha.

"CHUG, CHUG, CHUG, CHUG...sorry, you say something?" Amaya asked as she turned her attention away from her best friend passing out on the floor.

"...What the hell are you doing in here?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, were trying to get her drunk through a funnel so that was can drunkenly dance all around her, you know, to please the drunk dancing gods.", Al explained, though it was in an annoyed voice. Amaya glared at him.

"Thanks for spoiling the ritual Al, now we'll never reach enlightenment!"

"Sorry!"

"It was hard enough to get her into the outfit, let alone getting her drunk! Now it was all for nothing!"

Mustang cleared his throat. "Uh, guys, back to the Ed issue?"

"Right, sorry. So where is he then?"

"That's what I'm asking you idiots!"

At that opportune moment, Ed suddenly appeared in the doorway, looking slightly sick.

"Guys, you're not going to believe this...I think I'm pregnant!"

The room became eerily silent, that is, until Mustang edged to the door, whistling and muttering something about taking a vacation.

"Ed...You can't become pregnant." Al said slowly. Amaya shook her head.

"I told you not to read those male preggie fanfics!" she scolded him.

"No really, it's true! There are signs!"

"...Like?"

"Well, I'm getting more emotional, I didn't have my period, and my stomach is getting bigger. That must mean I'm pregnant!" he said as he counted the signs off his fingers. Amaya pinched the area between her eyes before forcing Ed further into the room away from the door.

"Ed..." she started in an annoyed tone, "For one, your just a spoiled emotional prick as it is half the time."

Ed opened his mouth to inject, but she beat him to it.

"Two..." she continued, "Men don't even HAVE periods."

"...Oh yeah." he muttered.

"And finally, you snack on 20 boxes of my chocolate pocky a day, of course your going to get fat you stupid shorty!" she finished in an angered tone.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A SPECK OF DUST TOO SMALL TO SEE WITH A MAGNIFYING GLASS?!?" Ed jumped out of his chair. The two were glaring daggers at each other until Al suddenly spoke up.

"Ed...Why is your pant's leg getting wet?"

Everyone looked down at the small puddle.

"I...I think my water just broke!" Ed shrieked.

"HOLY SHIT!" Amaya yelled loudly. Al and Amaya simultaneously fainted, anime style.

Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out something that was red and plastic. "Oh wait...never mind! It was just the water balloon I had in my pocket! Wow, talk about awkward." he said with a shrug. He leaned over Al and Amaya's unconscious forms.

"Guys...hello?"

Every grumbled in the corner, sounding suspiciously like, "Have I been cross-dressing in my sleep again?", before passing out. Mustang slammed open the door, showing the fact that he was wearing a Mexican sombrero.

"So, what did I miss?"

* * *

I'm sorry that it's so short. I don't like MPREG fics, so I was having a hard time writing about a situation like that. But hey, it's about the humor, not the length of the chapter, right?

...Right? Guys? Hello?

-crickets chirping-

...Hello? Don't leave me all alone...

R&R


	20. I Forgot The Name Of The Chapter

And here we go with "You People Are Joking, Right?" I can't believe that it's the 20th chapter and it's still not done!

I do have a hint for when it will come to an end. I think I will be wrapping this up around October...but trust me; we still have a long way to go...

Chapter name is here because I forgot the name I had for it originally. Oh well...

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. Now bring on the tissues and the next cancer victims...I mean, yay, another update!

**I Forgot The Name Of The Chapter**

**-please stand by for an important message from the cast of YPAJR?-**

Ed rolled a pipe between his fingers in slight boredom. "Hey there readers of this fanfic, as you very well know, we love a good laugh every now and then as much as the next guy, but there comes a time in which...", he paused here to look at a script.

"Line!"

"It's 'there comes a time when the laughter must stop'. We went over these twelve times. You have the script in front of you!" Amaya shouted in exasperation from behind the camera.

"Yeah well, I choose not to believe in things I read." Ed said as he tossed the script to the side where it made contact with the back of Havoc's head.

"Just read your lines!"

"Alright alright...ahem, there comes a time in which the laughter must stop. And that's usually when someone dies."

Al joined him, standing right next to him with his head bowed. "We recently lost a treasured member of our cast. His name...was Maes Hughes."

Roy next appeared as pictures of Hughes decorated the background behind him. "I was in shock when I found out that he died. He was like a member of our family, he made us laugh, made us cry...It's hard to believe that he's really gone."

The camera now switched to a really bored Envy. "Well, I was with him when he died. And he was doing what all humans do best: meddle in affairs that don't concern them. So with great joy, I shot him a few times while posing as his wife so that he could die with that last image in his mind: his precious wife shooting at him. But in a way, he is doing what all mortals seem to do best, which is die. Isn't that enough?" he asked as he lifted his hands up in a mock sigh.

Amaya sniffed from behind the camera. "That was so beautiful..." she cried as everyone else rolled their eyes.

"We commemorate this chapter to Maes Hughes. May a thousand angels-I am not saying that!" Ed suddenly cut off as he glared at Amaya.

"If you don't say it, then I'm not writing a chapter dedicated to Hughes!"

"Like I care. I barely knew him as it was. He was in...What, about seven episodes?" Ed said with a shrug. Amaya sighed before turning the camera to face her.

"Sorry guys, but instead of a chapter about Hughes, you get a random plot development! Enjoy!"

* * *

"It's worse than I thought." muttered Shadow Ghost as he turned the TV off.

"You do not sound well, eldest brother." said a cold voice from the doorway. Shadow turned in his chair as he faced the newcomer, a girl with waist length white hair. Her bangs fell low, covering her eyes. Dressed similar to the other, she radiated a cool aura about her, one of someone that shouldn't be messed with.

"It's getting worse than we imagined. The fanfiction realm and the actual realm of the fandom are fighting against one another, trying to gain control over the other. Where Night Rain is stationed right now, it seems that characters that were meant to have died in the show is now...well, dying." he finished somewhat lamely.

"I see. What do you propose we do about it?" she asked as she seemed to glide over next to him. She had never seen him like this, as stressed as he was now.

"I'm not sure anymore Deadly Misery...by the way, where's Every?"

"I think that she's in the other room fighting one of the cosplayers. Something about which one is better, Rasengan or Chidori." Misery answered with a roll of the eyes.

"Personally, I think that Chidori..."

"Nevermind that sir. We need to come up with a plan..." she muttered as she turned her back from him. He immediately took interest.

"What do you have in mind?"

Deadly Misery turned slightly, flashing a fanged grin. Her bangs shook slightly, revealing glowing green eyes.

"Believe it or not, I actually have a plan..."

* * *

Ed suddenly shuddered.

"What's the matter big brother?" Al asked.

"I had the strangest feeling that somewhere, two people are plotting and it somehow involves me."

"Did you talk to Amaya?"

"I would, but she went off somewhere. Something about throwing bricks through Rumiko Takahashi's windows."

"Doesn't she have a restraining order against her?"

"Since when did stuff like that stop her? Remember when she broke into that store only to steal a pack of gum and some burglar tools so that she could break into the store across the street from it to get us some ice-cream and liquor and then locked Roy into a room with Fuery and Havoc so that he couldn't stop her for committing the thefts in the first place?"

"That was some birthday, wasn't it?"

"I think Roy hasn't been able to see straight since..."

* * *

Yes everyone, our beloved Hughes is dead...sorry, it had to happen...

For those that don't know, Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of Inuyasha. Not that I don't like Inuyasha, but I hate how they ended the anime series, so that's why she's mentioned slightly.

Anyway, I think that covers tragedy of things I haven't made fun of yet. The next chapter will probably the second review special; since the first one was chapter eleven and the next one will be chapter twenty one.

R&R everyone.


	21. Keep Asking And I'll Kill You

Friday the 13th...I wonder if it's bad luck to put a chapter up on Friday the 13th.

If you want to know why there was no 4th of July chapter, Ed accidentally set off a firework and blew up Central Headquarters. Rebuilding the headquarters consumed the quantity of time of updating, and Roy himself is ankle deep in paperwork, so he's not in this chapter. How tragic where we won't have his slamming door antics. It's for his own good really...

Kind of a short reviewing chapter, but it's because I had to rewrite this chapter several times due to it getting erased too many times, so I ended up short handing some of it or getting rid of certain parts.

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist

**Keep Asking And I'll Kill You**

_The second "The Reviewers Are Heard!" chapter!_

"How the hell do I get myself into these things?"

"Ed, you just stepped on my foot."

"Al, I thought you couldn't feel anything in that suit of armor."

"Sniff...I can so feel things."

"And besides, it's my foot you stepped on Ed."

"Why are we walking around in the dark of a cemetery?"

"I decided to read the reviews of the fanfic here. Perfect setting for Friday the 13th."

"Friday the what?"

"13th. You know, unlucky?"

"Does that explain the numerous lucky charms that you have duck taped on your clothes?"

"Can we please turn on a light of some kind?"

A flash from a candle illuminated the darkness of the State cemetery that the three had trekked out into. After lighting a few more candles and placing them around the group, Amaya leaned against a tombstone. Ed suddenly pointed at the aforementioned tombstone.

"Isn't that Hughe's tombstone?"

"Really? What does it say?"

"Loving husband, father, crazy photo man, delicious sex muffin!?" Ed sputtered. Amaya quickly scrambled away from the tombstone and sat on the ground in front of Ed and Al.

"Who in the seven hells would put something like that on his grave?"

"I don't know Brother, but there are footprints here. It looks like someone was...dancing on his grave." Al pointed at the ground in front of the tombstone. Amaya suddenly looked nervous.

"Let's just read the reviews, shall we?"

**Numdenu**

**Wow...that was funny. Whoo.**

**You should do a chap where Ed's reading fancrack. XP**

Ed waved his arms dramatically, "And what do you call this!?"

**Mrs Alichay Sohma**

**that was so funny!**

**(thatswhatshesaid)**

**please! more! more!**

**(thatswhatshesaid)**

**dammit, stop!**

**(thatswhatshesaid)**

Amaya clapped. "Good news everyone, Ed finally mastered how to say the phrase 'that's what she said' correctly. It took several hours of smacking him around with a wet noodle, but it seems he finally got it down."

Ed rubbed his shoulder in remembrance. "Did I mention that it hurt?"

"That's what she said."

Ed and Amaya froze as they looked over at Al.

"What?"

**Numdenu**

**Suddenly, Roxas runs by shouting something about getting hearts by cutting grass in the Legend of Zelda, and the Fourth Wall crumbles to bits! The pieces crush everybody but Ed, Al, Roy, and YOU! Congratulations, you have EXTRAORDINARY LUCK! **

**...Okay, so I saved you, but only so you can update. TO DEVIANTART! (-Disappears in a puff of kitties...which Al falls off his roof to get-)**

"Who the hell is Roxas?" Ed asked.

"And what is this Legend of Zelda?" Al asked.

"Wait a minute...you're not cheating on us, are you? That's it, isn't it?" Ed pointed a finger at Amaya.

"What?"

"We've had to put up with your constant hatred of us..."

"I don't hate you guys..."

"...and then something like this happens. Stop testing our friendship!" Ed was now yelling. Al sighed as Amaya started yelling at him too. Al stood up and left the two to argue, taking a walk and finding several cats in the cemetery to cram into his suit of armor. When he came back, they were still arguing...or so it seemed.

"Rudabaga my ass!"

"Well then, what about that Steve Jobs guy?"

"The guy that owns IPOD? Guy with the black sweater or something?"

"Yeah, the guy who can sell crap with a straight face."

"I thought that the sweater was to hide a scar?"

"You mean like where his heart escaped?"

"That joke is already owned by Scott Ramsoomair. We should be getting back to the reviews." Al spoke up, effectively ending whatever they were talking about.

**Kiarra-Chan**

**Right Rain, you most definatly know how to write. I think you could be a journalist. You could change the world! Please update soon!**

"Actually, I have taken a few classes in journalism and I am going to take a few more in creative writing." Amaya answered. "Thanks for the idea that I could change the world."

Ed frowned. "I thought your dream was to become a table dancer in New York?"

"Ed, if I hadn't left my wet noodle at home, I would be hitting you with it so hard, your children would feel it."

"That's what she said."

Everyone stared at Al again, who threw his hands into the air.

"When you people say it, it's funny, and when I say it, everyone stares. That isn't fair..."

**Kyasarin-Maarukeehii1**

Ed suddenly stood up really fast, in the process of knocking over a tombstone labeled, "Envy Fangirl Number 6,078"

"Who just insinuated that I like guys?"

"No one. Ed, sit down."

Ed plopped back down next to Al, still looking wary, as if there were a swarm of yaoi fangirls hiding in the cemetery bushes.

**Artificial Life Creator**

**GO POKEMON PEARL!! why does everyone seem to have bought pokemon diamond? PIRATES are THE BEST MOVIEs ON EARTH!! Except for the intro of the second one. that was just creepy. THE THIRD MOVIE ROCKED I TELL YOU!!**

"You know, I'm still suing that Jack for those toaster chimeras." Ed reminded Amaya.

"Ed, suing Johnny Depp is like playing Shadow The Hedgehog-a waste of time."

"Zing!"

"Al, what is wrong with you today!?"

**Numdenu**

**The crickets are singing your praises, nitwit.**

"A lot of these reviews are from this Numdenu person..." Ed commented as he sorted through the pile of reviews.

"Yeah, he (she?) Makes me laugh sometimes. Kind of makes me feel all warm and fuzzy insi-"

**Numdenu**

**I still think you should make fun of crossovers.**

Amaya broke off mid-sentence, now looking quite angry. "Excuse me, I'll be right back." she hissed as she suddenly ran off somewhere. Ed and Al sat there in the dark for the longest moment until...

_Meow..._

"Al, your packing cats again!" Ed scorned as he opened his brother's armor, despite his protests. A dozen black cats shot out at them and started clawing at them as hard as they could.

"Why did they have to be black cats Al?" Ed moaned.

"But they are so cute!"

"But they're unlucky!"

Meanwhile, while Ed is being scratched to death by cats, the one called Numdenu finds themselves waking up...and tied to a chair.

"What in the...what's going on? Why does my head hurt?"

Amaya emerged from the darkness. "I got bored of waiting for you to wake up, so I pistol whipped you a few times."

"Why would you do that!?"

"Oh I don't know, maybe it's because of the repeated number of times that I said that if you people keep asking me, I wouldn't do them.", she said with a slight hint of annoyance.

"I'm sorry!"

"Sorry is not good enough. Keep asking, and I'll kill you, got it?" she said threateningly.

"Yes sir!"

"Good. Now, I'm going to knock you out again and you won't remember any of this, except not to be asking anymore." Amaya said as she pulled out a baseball bat with barb wire wrapped around it.

"You might want to brace yourself, your going to be feeling this while you're in the hospital."

* * *

There you go. That is what will happen if you keep asking me.

I will do it...eventually. There are things that I have to do first. Crossovers will be most likely done last.

Happy Friday The 13th peoples.

R&R everyone.


	22. The Mystery of Winry: Part One

So...here's an update! The author note from chapter 22 has been removed. All it said was a basket of apology cookies to Numdenu and why Kyassarin's review isn't there and where to find it. (Chapter 17 reviews, I think)

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist.

**The Mystery of Winry **

Part One

-Beginning notes of this chapter-

"It was supposed to be a normal Thursday evening. I had come back from a mission with Al to some city nearby. Nothing special there, just a thief running around. A thief that stole toilet seats, but hey, I guess everyone needs toilet seats. So anyway, we had come back to Central, where we were greeted by our good friend Amaya. Now lately, I have noticed how haggard she looks, bags under her eyes and yellowing teeth from improper care, but I would never say that out loud in front of her-"

"Ed..."

"-and I really wish that she would go away, disappear into whatever hell dimension she came from, or better yet, get run over by a bus driven by the Incredible Hulk. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal that she had placed in front of us that evening. She used to be a really good cook, but lately her meals are quite bland and undesirable. I used to look in her eyes, which have lately become dulled and lifeless, and feel happy, but now all I feel is disgust-"

"Edward..."

"That Thursday night, she..."

"Edward!"

Ed suddenly stopped in his rambling, looking over at Amaya, who was giving him an angry glare.

"What?"

"Why are you narrating this chapter?"

"Make it more interesting. I thought we were going to unravel a mystery story?"

"Yeah, but all you did just now was insult me!"

"Yeah well..."

Amaya suddenly got all teary-eyed. "Do you...do you really think those things about me?"

"No, well, not exactly..."

Amaya stood, her fists shaking. "You know what, if that's how you really feel, then I'm leaving!"

Al, who had been quietly observing the conversation, spoke up. "Leaving?"

"Yeah. I'm leaving this chapter! Let's see how you idiots can do without me!" she shouted as she walked out the door, slamming it behind her. The two brothers were silent for a moment, unsure of what to say. After a moment, the door suddenly opened, Amaya coming back in.

"Sorry, forgot my IPOD.", she said as she picked up the blue IPOD sitting next to the flickering computer screen before walking back out of the room and slamming the door behind her once more.

Edward shrugged before turning back to the camera. "Forget her. Now, the mystery of Winry. Al, cue the black and white mystery montage!"

* * *

Ed and Al were sitting at a table in the State Cafeteria. They had just gotten back from stopping a thief in Rustboro city, wait scratch that, that's a Pokemon city in the Hoenn region. Anyway, the point is, they had just gotten back from stopping a thief in some city that starts with an R that had been stealing the population's toilet seats. Even though that doesn't sound hard, this thief was skilled in alchemy and used toilets to...you know what, I'm not even going to go there. Let's just say that Ed now needed his automail arm repaired. It wasn't exactly damaged to bits or anything, just missing a few important screws.

"We should call Winry up and ask her to fix your automail, Brother." Al stated. Ed, meanwhile, was too busy gawking at the black and white scenery around him.

"Al, why is it black and white?"

"For one, this is a mystery segway. Two, this is a flashback of a mystery segway. And three, your shoddy memory made you forget that you told me to cue the black and white mystery montage."

"Oh right. Yeah, I'll call Winry."

As Ed started to dial the number for the Rockbell house with the phone that had been conviently sitting nearby, Al suddenly spoke.

"Hey, when was the last time we saw Winry?"

"I haven't seen her since Thanksgiving. Why?"

"Isn't it strange that she hasn't once been mentioned since?" Al asked.

"Maybe she was getting her hair done or something. You know how girls are." Ed guessed.

If Al had eyebrows, they probably would have been raised. (Al: Why do you keep doing that Night Rain? It makes me miserable that I don't have a body) Winry...wrench swinging automail freak...getting her hair done? Meanwhile, Ed had managed to call the Rockbell residence.

"Yo, Granny, I need to talk to Winry. Is she there?"

"Isn't she there with you?"

Ed sweat dropped. "What do you mean?"

"She never came back from your Thanksgiving whatever it was you were doing. I assumed that she was just hanging out with you two again."

"Oh yeah...I uh...I just suddenly remembered that Winry is...getting her hair done...on the can! Bye!" he quickly hung up before Aunt Pinako could question him further.

"Ed, what in the-"

"Al, something is seriously wrong. If Winry is missing, how am I going to get my automail fixed?" Ed asked while waving his arms dramatically. Al rolled his metaphorical eyes, deciding not to put Winry's own personal safety into question.

"If she never left Central, maybe someone here in headquarters saw her and know what happened to her.", Al instead suggested.

"Your right. Let's go get Amaya and-"

"She walked out of the chapter, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I wonder what she's doing..."

-Meanwhile in a separate room-

Amaya downed a can of Coke as she flipped to Family Guy.

_"Peter, what are you doing?"_

_"Crack"_

_"What the f-"_

_"Hey, at least I'm not drinking Brian!"_

_"Yeah, this is isn't exactly a good substitute, where did you get crack?"_

_"From Blacks."_

_"What!?"_

_"Yeah, right behind Blacks hardware store, there's a white guy selling it."_

Amaya coughed, making sure she didn't spit coke all over the TV, laughing. "Classic..."

-Back to the Elric Brothers-

"Let's go talk to everyone. Maybe Colonel Bastard knows something." Ed suggested.

The two of them headed down to Mustangs office in a cool edgy black and white montage way. When they approached his door, Ed slammed it open.

"Ah, Fullmetal. Usually it's me slamming doors. Care to explain why you are here. Or maybe why it is suddenly black and white?" Roy asked as he gestured to his now black uniform and white desk.

"No time to explain. Do you know where Winry is?"

"Isn't she in Rezembool?"

"No. Do you remember the last time you saw her?"

"I saw Envy talking to her after the Thanksgiving party. He was telling Winry off for hitting on the palm tree."

Ed raised an eyebrow. "I thought that in his drunken state, the palm tree was a female?"

"Who the hell knows really. Now get out of my office, I need to figure out how to write this report with my now white ink on white paper." Roy said with a dismiss of the hand.

"So I guess we go find Envy. Knowing him, he's holding Fuery by the ankles over the roof at this hour." Ed said as they left his office.

And sure enough, they soon found Envy boredly sitting on the edge of the roof, dangling a screaming Fuery by the ankles in amusement.

"'Lo Fullmetal Chibi. What do you want?" Envy asked. Lately, he had been kind of cool, so they weren't all that bothered anymore with him being there.

Gritting his teeth from shouting at Envy, Ed said, "We can't find Winry. Do you know where she is?"

"I'm not sure. After telling her not to talk to the palm tree anymore, she went off. I remember Roy following her out though..." he said thoughtfully.

"Hmm...Thanks Envy. By the way, did it work out with the palm tree?" Al asked.

"Naw. I broke it off after our third date. It was too clingy.", Envy said with a shrug as he accidentally dropped Fuery, who fell screaming to the ground, his screams cut off by a loud thump.

"Brother, what should we do?" Al asked. Ed had his eyes closed for a moment, deep in thought.

"Al...I think I know who is responsible."

-10 minutes later-

Ed burst down the door, pointing a finger dramatically at the person sitting in the dark.

"It was you! You killed Winry!"

He flicked on the light switch to reveal...

* * *

To Be Continued...

Was it Roy? Was it Envy? Find out next time...the mystery of why Winry hasn't been seen since Thanksgiving will be solved!

R&R everyone.


	23. The Mystery of Winry: Part Two

I was going to wait until tomorrow to update, but I just couldn't wait. You may find this hard to believe, but...This...is the third to last chapter. Oh wow...

I just want to say ahead of time that I am so glad that you are all enjoying this fic and had such a great time reading, but all things must come to an end at some point. Don't worry about crossovers, as there is a huge surprise in the very last chapter. I can't say what it is now. No hints either, otherwise it will give it away.

Even if the next three chapters will be the last chapters, I may add anything random from spur on the moment type of things. But other than that, yes, the end is very soon...

Oh, and "Mr. Thumbsup"...

No one is going to find your corpse.

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. I just don't.

**The Mystery of Winry**

Part Two

**_Previously on "One Life To Live"...I mean "General Hospital"...no wait, "You People Are Joking, Right?"_**

_Amaya stood, her fists shaking. "You know what, if that's how you really feel, then I'm leaving!"_

_Al, who had been quietly observing the conversation, spoke up. "Leaving?"_

_"Yeah. I'm leaving this chapter! Let's see how you idiots can do without me!" she shouted as she walked out the door, slamming it behind her._

_"Al, something is seriously wrong. If Winry is missing, how am I going to get my automail fixed?" Ed asked while waving his arms dramatically._

_"Ah, Fullmetal. Usually it's me slamming doors. Care to explain why you are here. Or maybe why it is suddenly black and white?" Roy asked as he gestured to his now black uniform and white desk._

_"Naw. I broke it off after our third date. It was too clingy." Envy said with a shrug as he accidentally dropped Fuery, who fell screaming to the ground, his screams cut off by a loud thump._

_"I was the one who kidnapped your baby! It was all me!" _(AN: 100 virtual cookies to whoever can correctly guess where that sort of came from. Hint: already mentioned before and after this)

_"It was you! You killed Winry!"_

_He flicked on the light switch to reveal..._

**_And now, back to "All My Children"...I mean...god damnit, can someone get me a script?_**

Before Ed could flip the light switch, Al suddenly stopped him.

"Wait, we don't even know if Winry is dead!" Al said quickly.

"Yeah sorry, spur of the moment kind of thing..." Ed apologized. He flipped on the light switch to reveal...

Havoc.

He was smoking, big surprise, in the darkest corner of the room. He suddenly jumped up when he saw the two of them in the doorway, nearly dropping his cigarette. Nearly.

"Whatever I did, I didn't do it." he quickly said.

"That's what you want us to think, Havoc." Ed said, "But we know that you did it!"

"You haven't got any proof!" he shouted, throwing his hands up defensively.

"My first clue came to when on the way to Mustang's office. We have to go past the closet that you and Fuery do unspeakable things in, but I noticed that there was no noise from it, and trust me, you guys aren't very subtle." Ed said, pacing back in forth. Havoc scoffed.

"You barely even know the meaning of subtle, Edward."

Al turned to him. "He's right, Brother. Your idea of subtle is jumping out of Mustang's birthday cake, completely naked except for some improperly placed glitter." (All fangirls, including the author of this fic, drools at the thought)

Ed glared at him before continuing on with his narrative.

"My second clue came from on the way back from Mustang's office. Still no noise came from the closet. I spoke to Riza, who for some odd reason like almost all the other females of this anime who had seemed to mysteriously disappear (The author coughs loudly), who told me that you were in here."

Havoc narrowed his eyes in a un-Havoc way.

"My final clue came from Envy himself. He was dangling Fuery off the roof, but this time, you weren't there to try to catch him or distract Envy with a shiny nickel."

Havoc suddenly looked very nervous now.

"So that brings me to my final conclusion. You-"

Havoc suddenly fell onto his knees. "I confess, I confess!"

"So it was you that did something to Winry?" Ed asked.

Havoc blinked. "Winry? I thought you were talking about me breaking up with Fuery?"

Ed and Al gaped at him. "You and Fuery...aren't an item anymore?"

Havoc suddenly started to sob, which sounded very odd considering he was choking on the nicotine from his cigarette at the same time. "It was horrible! We were in the middle of-"

"Don't you even describe what your about to say."

"-Doing what we normally do in a closet, and Fuery says, 'I love you so much, it's so great that we hang out!' That broke my heart. He considers what we do merely hanging out? I thought he understood me. All those hours, all those games in the closet, all of those times playing golf, you know what they were? Lies!"

Ed took a cautious step over to him and awkwardly patted his shoulder. "There, there?"

"But what about Winry?" Al asked.

"The last time I saw her was that she was saying something to Greed at Thanksgiving." Havoc said as he took a drag from his cigarette.

"Greed? Where is he now?" Ed asked.

"Most likely in the basement." Havoc pointed to the door in the hall that lead to the basement.

"You hear that Al? We better get down to the basement! Maybe he is keeping Winry hostage!" Ed said as they ran out the door, before Ed suddenly turned around and spoke to Havoc.

"You know, you really shouldn't be smoking. Those things could kill you."

Havoc glared at him as Ed ran down the hall to the basement door with Al, only to run into Amaya on the way there.

"I came to-"

"I accept your apology." Ed automatically said.

"Actually, I came to make you apologize. But more importantly, what are you guys doing?"

"Going into the basement. We think that Greed has Winry hostage down there. Will you come with us?" Al asked.

"I suppose. But Ed, you do owe me an apology after this."

"For what?"

"For those horrible things you said about me!"

"That!? Look, I-"

Al tuned them out with their usual bickering and went on down into the basement, fumbling for a light switch.

"And another thing-"

"Honestly Ed, I can't stand you, I hate you..."

"I hate you too!"

"Well, what do we have here?" said a new completely different voice.

A light suddenly switched on, causing the trio to squeak with terror. Standing in the vast basement of Central Headquarters stood Greed, leaning against the wall, looking casual.

"What are you even doing down here Greed?" Al asked.

"I didn't have a place to crash after Thanksgiving, so I figured, why not here?" Greed smiled, showing off his shark like teeth.

"What did you do to Winry?" Ed asked.

"Winry? Oh, the blond girl. I did originally kidnap her, but then she escaped and ran off with some Xingish boy, I think his name was Ling-" (AN: Manga reference!)

"Oh. Well, I guess we'll be leaving then." Amaya said, slowly backing towards the door. Greed smirked, as the door behind the trio suddenly swung shut.

"No, I don't think you'll be leaving just yet. You see, I haven't killed anything in quite awhile. I almost forget what its like. And besides, I don't like any of you. So I'll kill the two of you", he said pointing to the Elric brothers, "and maybe me and you will have some fun before I kill you", he said as he pointed at Amaya.

Amaya blanched as Ed and Al got into fight stances. Al gave a quick glance at Amaya. "Do you know any alchemy?" he asked.

For some reason, Amaya seemed to be far away...as if not really listening. After a moment, she nodded.

"Just enough to get by..."

Greed suddenly launched out at them. Ed quickly got down, clapping his hands down on the ground as stone spikes rose out and impaled him in the chest. Despite having a spike through the chest, Greed managed to pull it out as easy as if it was butter. Ed and Al both ran in to punch and kick while Amaya was kneeled on the ground, scratching a transmutation circle into the ground.

What looked like freaky black hands rose out of the ground and grabbed Greed by the waist, making it so that he could barely dodge any of the Elrics's punches and kicks. Ed couldn't help but stare at the hands holding Greed in place.

_They almost look like...the hands from the gate..._

This continued on for some time, with Ed and Al punching him and Amaya holding him in place with the strange black arms until Greed somehow managed to break free.

"Enough games!" he shouted, no longer smirking. He turned to Amaya who was still kneeled on the floor with her hands over the transmutation circle.

"I'll start by getting you out of the way." he snarled as he ran at Amaya, who had stood up.

"No!"

Ed quickly slammed his hands down on the ground, pulling a lance (spear) out of the ground. He ran at Greed, praying that he would get to him before he could get to Amaya. So it was a shock when he felt the spear go straight through Greed's back and through his chest. Ed smiled.

"See Amaya, you've got me here to-"

He broke off when he noticed Greed smirking, still very much alive. Ed slowly looked in front of him, practically through the hole in Greed's chest; he felt his blood run cold.

The reason that Greed had let the spear go through him was because he had been close enough to Amaya to make the spear stab through her.

And as Edward found himself looking into her now glassy orbs, he realized the impact of the mistake he made.

* * *

Evil cliffhanger of doom!

I know, now you all will be unable to help but review like crazy! More reviews means faster updates. And remember; now there are only about 2 chapters left!!!

R&R everyone!


	24. We Have To Say Goodbye

-sniff- This fanfic is almost over, and it is the longest chapter in the entire fic. I can't believe it is coming to an end...

You know, technically this would be the last chapter, but then again, I would end up forgetting about you know what, wouldn't I?

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist. I only own Amaya Illusion and any other OCs mentioned along the way. I also don't own the song used in this.

**We Have To Say Goodbye**

Ed just stared at the sight in front of him. Amaya not moving, merely staring at him with those dead looking eyes. He was unsure if he should try to remove the spear, wondering if it would do more harm than good. But he didn't have the chance to decide, as Greed himself reached down and wrenched out the spear from his and Amaya's bodies. In doing so, Amaya swayed on the spot, coughing loudly. Blood splattered onto the ground.

"Not exactly a smart idea, now was it Full Metal?" he asked, positively perky at the looks on Ed and Al's faces. Al suddenly thought of something.

"Hey, wait a minute. How is it that Ed's been able to fight Greed with a supposedly damaged automail arm?" he asked. Ed couldn't help but look down at his arm.

"Yeah, good question..."

There was a slight chuckle, but it didn't come from Greed, instead, everyone turned to face Amaya, who had a hand out towards Greed. Her hand, palm outstretched, was suddenly glowing with a dark light. A hole seemed to open up underneath Greed as many black arms rose upward and wrapped themselves around Greed.

"Plothole.", she muttered before closing her hand into a fist. The arms pulled Greed straight down into the hole before he had a chance to even yell. As the hole sealed up, Ed and Al looked to Amaya.

"How did you do that?" Al asked, but Ed instead ran forward just as Amaya started falling backwards. He caught her before she could hit the ground, kneeling down on the floor.

"Amaya!" Ed shouted, shaking her shoulders a little. She didn't respond at first, merely giving him a shaky smile.

"Edward..." she whispered. He leaned forward, but he didn't catch whatever it was that she said, as she closes her eyes, the smile still on her face.

"Amaya, you can't die! What about all those good times we had? Like...like...that time with the cowboy ghost!"

-Flashback-

One day, the group had been in the middle of playing Checkers when all of a sudden, a ghost came down from the ceiling. He was in a cowboy outfit and swung his hat off in greeting.

"Hi, I'm a cowboy ghost!"

Before Ed and Al could reply, Amaya suddenly interrupted. "Wait, are you a cowboy as in the Old West, or is in Brokeback Mountain?"

The ghost didn't answer, and immediately went back upwards into the ceiling. Amaya turned back to the Checkers match with Ed, muttering to herself.

"That's what I thought...King Me, Ed."

-End Flashback-

"Or what about when I got to see a piece of my future?"

-Flashback-

Edward was in a delivery room of a hospital, watching his wife giving birth. He suddenly started pointing at various things in the room.

"What is that!?"

"That's your son's head."

"What's that?"

"…The nurse."

"And that?"

"Your wife!"

"OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!?"

"THAT'S YOUR POCKETWATCH!"

"Oh…okay."

-End Flashback-

He got no reply from the still body in his arms, which suddenly felt very cold. He placed a hand over her chest. No heartbeat.

"Amaya!" he screamed, praying to even God that she wasn't really dead, but even then, he knew that it was no use. He couldn't stop the tears that were falling, and he momentarily forgot that Al was in the room. _I told her I hated her before she died..._, he thought painfully. Ed closed his eyes, thinking about all the memories he had.

**_I close my eyes  
And I can see  
The day we met_**

_"The name's Amaya Illusion. Colonel Mustang called me and told me that you guys need some help with fanfiction." she said as she stuck a hand out. Ed shook it for a moment before withdrawing his hand. _

**_Just one moment and I knew  
You're my best friend  
Do Anything  
For You_**

**_We've gone so far  
And done so much  
And I feel  
Like we've always been together_**

_Flashes of memories such as Roy Mustang slamming doors, Celebrating Christmas and Thanksgiving together, The time that they went on vacation to Hiatus beach, the times they sat together reading reviews and laughing and joking together, the time when he had changed his name to Pride and they had all started smashing heads against walls, when they had played tennis with Hughes, being chased by fangirls, that week that Amaya had amnesia, when he and Al had gotten thrown through time and became their own great grandfathers, when they had fought Jack Sparrow and his legions of toaster chimeras, when Ed had thought he was pregnant, Hughe's funeral, last week's hula competition..._

**_Right by my side  
Through thick and thin  
You're the part of my life  
I'll always remember_**

_Flashes of Amaya sitting in an armchair reading books, a couple flashes of their usual bickering arguments, when she had accidentally (or so she had said) latched herself to Ed while watching the Saw movies together, when she had given Ed a brief hug during Hughe's funeral, some of her smiling and laughing, and then one of her holding out a blue rose with a pearl in the middle and of when Ed had tossed it off the edge of the roof later that evening..._

_"By the way, that rose isn't just any ordinary blue rose. If you noticed, it has a small pearl in the center. It shows you who you're in love with."_

**_The time has come-_**

"Al, turn that damn music off, can't you see that I'm grieving!?"

"Sorry Brother." Al said as he turned off the stereo that he had pulled out of his armor body. Ed turned back towards Amaya in his arms, but nothing had prepared him for what had happened next.

Her body suddenly started glowing a faint gold color. Surrounded by this strange golden light, she slowly started to fade away, until she had completely disappeared out of Ed's arms.

"She's gone..." Al muttered in awe. Edward continued to stare at the spot that her body had just occupied, trying to wrap his mind around this new development.

"What the hell just happened?" he asked aloud.

The basement door suddenly opened to reveal...Amaya!?

Yep, it was definitely her. She was eating a turkey sandwich as she casually walked up to the two of them, looking between Ed's tear-stricken face and Al's look of confusion.

"Hey guys, what's going on? Geez, you two look like someone just died." she said. They continued to stare at her as she took a bite out of her sandwich.

"Hmm...I think this needs more mayo-", she started to say, but was then cut off by Ed tackling her, causing her to drop her sandwich on the dirty basement floor. Her cries of "My sandwich!" were cut off by Al screaming "You're alive!" and Ed practically glomping her to the floor.

"What the-"

"Thank god you're alive..." he said into her shirt. He then suddenly backed off of her.

"How the hell are you still alive?" he asked, tears gone from his face and replaced with a frown.

Amaya just blinked before dawning comprehension. "Oh yeah...I remember now. After all those horrible things you said to me, I knew that you weren't going to apologize to me right away, so I used some alchemy to make a clone of myself to go find you and pester until you apologized.", she said as if it was the most simplest thing in the world, "Oh, and I did manage to hear that whole 'I hate you' thing, since I followed you guys, but after hearing that, I left you with the clone to go make a sandwich."

"That doesn't really make a lot of sense..." Al started to say, but was then cut off by Ed.

"The point is, at least you didn't die. But I can't believe that you led us on like that." he said with a pout.

"Yeah, whatever, let's just go back upstairs. I'm missing Family Guy."

As the three of them started to go upstairs, Amaya suddenly stopped.

"Hey Ed...Would you really be that sad if I died?"

Ed stopped too, staring at her for a moment. He then suddenly grinned as he grabbed her hand.

"Maybe..." he smiled, causing a dull blush to rise up to her cheeks.

**-_We have to say goodbye..._**

"Al!"

"Sorry Brother, my finger slipped on the Play button!"

* * *

**Aftermath**

**Edward Elric **soon went back to work as the Full Metal Alchemist, traveling around and searching for the Philosopher's Stone. He still continues to this day, but every once in a while, he takes a break to read some fanfiction or hang out at headquarters with Amaya and the others

**Alphonse Elric **traveled with his brother to search for the Philosopher's Stone. Since they still have not found it, Al has devoted his time to running charities such as "Save the Cats", which later soon became known as PETA, and "Robots and Suits of Armor have Feelings too!". Just recently he got a grey kitten that he named Smokie and a brown one named Muffin.

**Amaya Illusion **also helped out with trying to find the Philosopher's Stone, but is most of the time gone away on mysterious business. It is unknown what it is that she actually does to this day. She and Edward have lately been denying all feelings of romance or anything related to romance. They may be in denial...

**Roy Mustang **took some anger management therapy. With the help of Riza Hawkeye, who he later started dating after his therapy sessions, has worked on his yelling problem. He has not slammed any doors open or close since.

**Scar**, who had only been mentioned in one chapter, realized that there really was no point to killing State Alchemists. He retired to Lior where he became the World's Biggest Drug Dealer. Much crack has been sold.

**Maes Hughes **is still dead, but rumored to be haunting a family in Ohio.

**Havoc **got back together with Fuery and did their unspeakable things in the closet, until he discovered that Fuery had recently been seen "hanging out" with Breda.

**Alexander Louis Armstrong **got hooked into game and reality shows. He just recently won on Survivor, was one question away from the million dollar question on Millionaire, caused Price is Right to be canceled, lost on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, and is about to take part in the next season of American Idol. We pray that he doesn't win.

**Winry **was later discovered in company with one "Ling" and has no plans of returning to Rezembool, but does promise to fix Ed's automail every now and then. There are no complaints about this arrangement. There is rumor that she recently became a table dancer in Lior.

**Wrath** went on one date with Amaya Illusion. They broke up due to his estranged affair with Latonia the coat rack. He still lives with his mother, who really isn't his mother.

**Envy** robbed Central Headquarters blind before returning to the Homunculi Lair. He and Amaya also went out on a few dates. There is no word to the inner details of this relationship, but Ed is pretty sure that they broke up. Of course, he denies that he cares at all about the idea of them dating.

**Gluttony **ate a shoe.

**Lust** watched in boredom.

**Greed **has not been seen since his strange disappearance in the basement of Central Headquarters. No one really bothered to actually look for him.

**Sloth **and **Pride **are not being mentioned in this Aftermath.

**A person reading this fic** suddenly realized what a waste of time this fanfic really was. He or she was later killed by a bunch of enraged fans of this fic.

**The Authoress **still continues to write fanfiction to this day. Her location is currently unknown, although it is rumored that she was last spotted in Canada at an anime convention. She then left the country to go back to her unknown location.

**You **clicked the little review button and gave a nice little review for this fic for threat of the Authoress not putting up crossovers.

* * *

Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...

Someone was sitting at a desk in a dark room, reading the newspaper.

"Hmm...according to the obituaries, I haven't died yet..."

Envy slammed down the door of the darkened room. "I finally found you!"

Inside the room was a glowing computer screen and the someone sitting in a fancy desk chair.

"How did you find this place?"

"I googled for your location. Now, I want to talk to you about this trash!" Envy said as he threw down a bunch of papers onto the desk. The person leaned forward, reading the title.

"Isn't this my script for YPAJR?"

"It damn well is. None of this crap actually happened! None of this made sense, especially the last chapter, which made even less sense then this entire fanfiction! It's like as if this whole thing was thrown together at the last minute!"

"I do agree with you there. Let's pretend this whole story never happened."

"You better. Because if I see this crap ever again, I will kill you!" Envy spat before storming out. The person leaned forward, revealing a young girl with long brown hair and a pair of black sunglasses.

"Tsk tsk Envy, you're too temperamental. I could never stop YPAJR. Otherwise the room full of monkeys that write this stuff would be put down. And the voice in my head wouldn't be very happy about it either." she whispered to the empty room. She suddenly broke into an evil laugh, but was then interrupted by someone yelling down the hall.

"Hey, are you plotting evil in there!? Because I swear to God that if you're trying to summon the forces of darkness in your room again..."

"No Mom." she sang. As soon as the coast seemed to be clear, the young girl clicked a button on her intercom.

"Mrs. Momentos, I need you to cancel my meeting with the board of directors. The voice in my head is telling me burn things."

"Yes Ms. Illusion."

"Also, send up a black coffee to my office and a new notepad. I also need you to send up that guy who jiggles things when they don't work, I think my desk is too wobbly.

"Yes Ms. Illusion."

"Silver?"

"Uh...Yes?"

"Do you think that I'm a bad person?"

"Uh...well..."

"Silver..."

"Yes?"

"You're fired. Clean your desk out by tomorrow."

"Damn."

"What was that?"

"I mean, Yes Ms. Illusion."


	25. This Fanfic Actually Has A Plot?

I hope you all have enjoyed this fanfic as much as I have. But now it is time...

This is the very last chapter of You People Are Joking, Right?

All the questions will be answered. Actually, you'll be stuck with even more questions in the end...

I don't own Full Metal Alchemist.

**This Fanfic Actually Has A Plot!?**

On one normal soon to be life altering day, Edward walked past the door to Amaya's room, but paused as he heard something strange.

"Are you sure there is no other way?"

"Positive."

"If I do that, we'll be helping along what we were trying to prevent."

"I'm sorry, Sister-"

Ed opened the door a little, and he saw Amaya sitting in front of a computer screen. He couldn't tell who was actually on the screen, but according to them, they were...related to Amaya?

"If you insist, Brother. However, I don't agree with _her_ methods." Amaya spat.

"Why so bitter? Lately you two have been at each others throats..."

"It shouldn't matter what the reason is. She has lately become a bitch and is acting like as if she is the new Jesus. I shouldn't have to listen to her, since we are equal in status."

"You really don't have that say in the matter. Now I expect for you to show up at the access point in exactly 2 hours."

Amaya looked flabbergasted. "2 hours!? I don't have 2 hours to fill them in about all of this!"

"I'm sorry, but at the current moment, it is the only one that will open for you until the next one, which is in about a month, and we don't have that kind of time to wait." the person said harshly.

"Signing off then."

"Same here." he replied as the screen turned black. Amaya sighed as she stood up from the seat in front of the computer. Ed figured that this would be a good time to enter.

"Hey Amaya, what up?" he asked casually.

Amaya turned, staring at him for the longest moment. "I need you and Al to meet me on the roof of Central Headquarters in one hour. There's something that I've been hiding from you guys." she informed him.

Ed watched her as she left the room, and after glancing at the computer, he too followed suit.

* * *

Ed and Al soon came to the roof after an hour and a half. Ed had told Al all about the strange message on the computer.

"The person on the screen was her brother?" Al asked.

"Sounded like it. She did call him her brother and he did call her his sister." Ed said quietly.

"I wonder why she never told us about this brother of hers."

"Who knows? She said that she was going to tell us about something that she had been hiding from us."

They soon spotted Amaya, who was watching the soon fading sun. She turned to face them, looking almost like as if she had aged in over an hour. In fact, now that Ed thought about it, she seemed different than from when they first met. She seemed to be an inch taller than he was (a fact that he was not willing to admit), and she had discarded her usual jeans and t-shirts for a short black shirt with a black short-sleeved hoodie over it while wearing dark sweatpants with various zippers on them. What surprised him was that she had little pink hearts decorating all over the hoodie and pink stripes on the sweatpants. Her long brown hair seemed a little shorter, no longer waist length but still past her shoulders while her bangs seemed to cover only one of her grey-blue eyes.

"So what is this thing you are about to tell us?" Ed asked.

"I haven't been completely honest about myself. Ed, during that fight with Greed, you remember those black arms that I used?" she asked.

"Yeah..."

"A long time ago, you came to me and asked if I was from the other side of the gate. You don't remember asking me though because I wiped your memories of it. But now, I will tell you the same answer I gave to you then." she said. Amaya inhaled before speaking once more.

"I'm from the other side of the gate. The future on the other side."

Ed and Al gasped. "What!?"

"But how did you get to this side?"

"What's the future like?"

"To answer both questions, I used the gate to get here. You see, every realm has some kind of access point to getting to each realm. Your realm uses the gate."

"Realm?" Al asked in confusion. Amaya laughed slightly.

"This place, Armestis, isn't the only world there is out there. There are plenty others, most that aren't even on the other side of the gate." she explained.

"The future of my world...is different. Where I come from, the world, called Earth, had been divided. War and disease plagued the planet, destroying everyone. In the end, only those who didn't fight were still alive. Mostly children and teenagers. Then again, some of us did end up fighting, and dying in the process. I live in a country that was claimed by idealists, in other words, fanfiction writers, webcomic designers, artists, people that wanted to belong, just not belong to Earth anymore. The country was originally called Canada, until me and three other people took the deserted dusty country for ourselves."

Ed and Al did not speak, instead they merely listened.

"In the future, I actually know you two." she suddenly spoke.

"What? How?" Ed asked.

"Well technically, I know you, but you didn't know me. In fact, you guys don't actually exist. In my future, everyone knows you and this world from an anime called 'Full Metal Alchemist'. There are legions of fans devoted to you two." she explained.

"I and three others lead the people of that country, all those fans of you and other people from animes. It's actually a lot of fun. Sitting around, laughing, cosplaying, writing fanfics. But quite recently, we discovered something. Fanfiction opened the floodgates to the worlds we wrote of. We were somehow able to travel to these worlds, become a part of it, take their powers for our own, and be with the people we admired so much, you remember all the fangirls that chase you? Didn't you ever wonder why they actually knew you...and yet, we didn't realize what we were really doing. Reality and Fanfiction are starting to come together. Some worlds are mixing together, as well as things from your world and other worlds are coming into ours, most of them bad. Death is starting up again."

"Some of our own is starting to drift from the group. Lately, they have become restless, so in order to pass the time, they started killing each other with our newly acquired magical powers. Pretty soon, if something isn't done, we will have two enemies: the rebels and the rest of the outside world."

"And I thought that this fanfic didn't actually have a plot..." Ed muttered under his breath to Al.

"So I and the other founders came up with a plan. To send a few of the most trusted people to the worlds, to check that everything was alright. I volunteered to come here. So you see, that is why I am here. To make sure that the homunculi didn't come to my future. But it seems that my being here is not exactly keeping this anime the way it should be. Everyone around here is crazy, different and out of character. So...I will be leaving soon."

"You can't leave!" Ed automatically stated.

"Yes I can. I don't belong here Edward. But don't worry, you guys are coming too." she suddenly smiled.

"Wait, we are?" Al asked.

"Yes. I need both of your guy's help. I need you to come with me to the other worlds and help fix the problems." she said. Suddenly, the ground and sky around them changed, turning a strange yellow. Behind Amaya, something suddenly took form, and with a stab of realization, Ed found himself looking up into the gate itself.

"You don't have to give anything up. This gate is different than the one you are thinking of." she quickly said at the looks on their faces.

"I don't know about this Amaya. What about Winry and Roy and-"

"They'll be fine, don't worry about it. Nothing is going to happen to them." Amaya assured. Ed was still unsure as he and Al looked up at the gate.

"Please help me with this. Help me save my future." she pleaded.

Ed and Al looked to each other, as if silently telepathically speaking to each other. When they faced forward, Ed grinned.

"How can I say no? Saving the future is what I do.", he bragged.

"And if Brother is coming, then so am I!" Al said.

Amaya smiled, the gate behind her starting to open slightly.

"Thanks guys. In a few moments, we'll be leaving."

The gate suddenly slammed its doors open, but no eyes or hands were there. It was just pure black emptiness. Amaya took a few steps forward before turning around.

"So guys, are you ready to crossover?"

* * *

DUN DUN DUN!!!

There will be a sequel to this fic! It's called "Crossover Into What Exactly?" It will be completely dedicated to nothing but crossovers! (Even though I think I just spoiled the plot already...)

Now, I don't know when exactly it will go up, I can't guarantee that it will be up before the end of the year, but I want to get it up by October. (I need some time to think and to work on my other fics), but you can send in ideas for what you want to happen, like which world should they go to first, who should they meet, whatever you want.

Review. It might speed up the sequel progress.

P.S. In celebration of the end of this fanfic, my Myspace is currently a Full Metal Alchemist theme, yet with a special You People Are Joking, Right? flavor. In other words, the background is Edward falling on top of Al, as if he had fallen off of a roof. Makes me giggle every time.


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